How To Torture Mello
by Daisukeismyboyfriend
Summary: Matt finds an interesting book while closet-rummaging. Why,it's an all-purpose guide to bothering Mello! How convenient! Needless to say, hilarity ensues, with Raito, L, and others... Complete after a ridiculous hiatus ! MxM
1. I

How To Torture/Embarrass Mello

**How To Torture/Embarrass Mello.**

--

**Yeah, a plot bunny bit me. So sue me, the plot bunnies enjoy attacking me randomly for some reason…Just read it, okay? I hope it'll be longer than some of the other oneshots I've written…ah, might even make it an epic 3-shot! NO WAI!**

…**Moving on…**

**There are true name spoilers in this. Be warned.**

--

Matt was bored.

Okay, this wasn't anything new, as many of his days began (and ended) with him muttering or loudly proclaiming this fact.

He'd beaten all the games for his Playstation, pink DS, Gameboy, and had even dragged out his old Nintendo 64 only to groan in anguish at the fact that he'd beaten all of those games, too.

So what do you do when you're a fifteen-year old gamer with nothing to do?

Why, you go on a closet raid, of course.

So Matt hauled himself over to his and Mello's shared closet, inwardly thankful that the blonde was out doing something (in Mello's words, "something epic"). He opened the doors to be met by a landslide of _stuff_, toys, CDs, chocolate, DS styluses, more chocolate, clothes, _more_ chocolate, costumes, and…a book?

Curious, he picked it up, noting the faded, handwritten cover and the crinkled pages- this poor book had been through a lot- and brought it over to his desk. _With a title like this,_ he thought as he looked at the book's cover,_ It has to be good._

The title?

How To Torture/Embarrass Mihael Keehl.

--

Mello walked into a very strange scene, stopped, stared, took a bite out of his chocolate bar, and stared some more.

Matt wasn't playing DS. He wasn't playing any of his various electronic devices, for that matter. His goggles were up on his head, leaving brilliant green eyes free to see without a bothersome orange haze.

Matt was reading.

Not just reading, though. He was really _into _the book, with an intensity that Mello had only seen matched at a 5 a.m. calculus cramming session.

"Matt?" he asked tentatively, which was replied to by a single grunt.

This was weird.

Matt suddenly turned around, caught Mello's gaze, and grinned evilly, making Mello suddenly extremely nervous despite the fact that he could easily beat up Matt.

But the sudden change in atmosphere seemed to amplify his obviously impish grin, which in turn made Mello…just…plain…weirded…out.

He muttered a quick "Hungry for food" and got the hell out of there before Matt could pull another one of those grins.

He needed some more chocolate, he reasoned, looking down at his empty hand.

--

Matt was enjoying this.

He locked the door and read aloud to himself, "'This book will only take effect if you have the patience to try all the methods. You may also need the sheer physical and emotional strength needed to do all of the above tasks, some of which may take over three months. Do not attempt any stunts involving chocolate until the procedure of torturing is well underway. And if all else fails, shoot him a creepy glare.'"

The creepy glare he'd practiced had worked wonders on Mello, and he was beginning to think that the finding of this book wasn't just coincidence.

It was hitsuzen. (AN: xxxHolic ref! WOOT!)

He turned to the back of the book, to find if there was anything else that he could read (he'd read the entire thing cover to cover twice) and found a page with fill-in-the-blanks, for escapades done.

"Hm…" he muttered, unaware of a small, white-haired form shaking with laughter in the closet.

--

This was so incredibly smart that he couldn't think of why he hadn't done it before.

Near held in another guffaw that tried to burst out of his lips, shook for a minute, then groped desperately for a sock, which he shoved in his mouth.

He'd written the book as a joke and kept it on hand for no real reason, then had the great idea to plant it in Matt's closet as soon as he'd beaten all his games.

Then he'd take it out, use it, and Near could just sit back and enjoy the hilarity.

_Life,_ he thought, crawling out of the closet and back to his room, _is good._

--

Mello was pissed.

More than pissed, he was absolutely fuming.

Why the _hell_ was he so intimidated by Matt? The bastard didn't even have the muscle to punch him in the gut, but for some reason he'd been freaked out-okay, terrified- of the slight gamer sitting in that office chair.

He banged the table with his fist, causing several small children to "eep" in fright. He knew what he was going to do. He was going to go in there, and beat the hell out of Matt.

But first, he needed some chocolate.

He stalked into his room, noting the absence of Matt, his DS, and that infernal book, and also noticing a small parcel on his bed.

There was a note tied to it, reading "Chocolate. Someone sent it to me. Eat it all, pls. Matt."

Mello eagerly ripped it open, grabbing a shiny wrapper and biting off a large chunk of the contents.

His first thought was _Yum…_

His second was _WTF? These have…alcohol in them. Brandy. No, vodka. No…Rum? Yeah, rum or something. They're good, though. I mean, I can eat them, it's not like there's a lot of alcohol in these…_

He was very wrong.

Three bars into the pack, his vision began to get a little woozy, and by his fifth, he was drunk as a dog.

This, conveniently, was when Matt walked in.

--

"Maaaaaaaatt…"

"…Whoa! Hey, Mells."

"Thiiiish chocholaate ish shpiiiked…"

"Yeah, I know. I didn't know you'd eat that much."

Lie.

"Maaaaaaaaatt?"

"What?"

"You're sooo prettyyy."

"…"

_Oookay then? Mello thinks I'm pretty? _he thought, slowly edging away from the stoned boy.

No use, though.

Mello leaped up and tackled Matt to the ground, where he proceeded to try and kiss him, but only succeeded in getting drool all over Matt's face. Matt was wriggling like a caught fish, Mello was trying to calm him down in slurred syllables, and Near (in the closet again) was eagerly taping the scene to put on Youtube.

Of course, that was just when Roger came in to check on the kids.

--

"MELLO! I know you have urges, but don't _molest your roommate!!_"

"I was frickin' drunk, Roger."

"Don't swear." Thwack.

"Ow…"

"Now how were you 'drunk'?"

"Matt gave me some spiked chocolate."

"…I find that very hard to believe. Chocolate these days, even alcoholic-filled, has a very low percent of alcohol."

"But…but…"

"I presume you ate quite a few bars?"

"…Five."

"Well, it's your fault then. Five weeks of dishwashing duty for you, Mello."

"Damn old man…"

Thwack. "I told you NOT TO SWEAR. Now begone, rascals."

--

_This is going exactly to plan,_ thought Matt as he watched Mello walk off to the kitchen in a huff.

Of course, he couldn't help but feel a little regret as Mello looked back with a puppy-eyed look. It was hard to go against his best friend, even to follow the instructions in the book. He didn't know where it'd come from, but it seemed like whoever wrote it really knew how to get under Mello's skin. And it was all written in such a self-centered tone…

Matt couldn't help but somewhat suspect Near.

He checked the next page of the book in question, chuckling at the last sentence. "Be patient. Mello is not. The more you refuse to get mad, the madder he gets."

_So true,_ thought Matt, mentally patting the mysterious writer on the back.

--

Near rubbed his hands together in a very good imitation of a Puu-Puu bear. "This is going exactly according to plan!"

"What the hell are you doing, Near?"

"I am merely voicing my opinions verbally," he replied, lapsing back into "Emotionless Prodigy" mode.

--

Mello was pissed off.

No, not just pissed off. He was so angry that he'd have to listen to three straight hours of Death Cab for Cutie to calm him down. No, not Death Cab. Bjork. Yes, Bjork. That was calm, wasn't it?

He shook all music-related thoughts out of his head and focused on scrubbing the bejeezus out of a poor innocent pan, which was floating in a veritable ocean of soapy water.

Mello gritted his teeth in frustration. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Why was Matt suddenly not on his side? Usually he'd be right beside the angry leather-clad boy, but for once, Mello was alone. And Matt had led him to eat that chocolate.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to connect the dots that Matt was the culprit.

But Mello was a prodigy, and his agile mind immediately went to Near.

"Stupid sheepy all-white emo…" he muttered, beginning a fresh assault on the grime.

--

"MAIL JEEVAS," yelled Mello, stalking angrily into the room with a boombox on his shoulder. "GIVE ME YOUR DCFC CD."

Matt looked up lazily. "Wha?"

"CD. NOW."

"Okay, Mello. Jeezus."

Mello shot the disgruntled gamer a glare, which surprisingly seemed to have no effect. His eyebrows knitted in consternation, he leaned down to Matt's ear level and whispered, "I don't know what's gotten into you, Matt. But whatever it is, I don't like it. I think it smells like a certain white little fluffball otherwise known as Near."

"…"

Matt was staring at something over by the door, and Mello turned around…

…and saw L, standing there with a piece of cake in hand.

"Hello." he said, scratching one of his legs with his foot.

Mello and Matt practically tackled him with a flying hug. "L!!"

--

Near heard the merrymaking and poked his head into Mello's room. "L?"

"Hello, Near." replied the detective, who was currently being hugged in two directions, making a pose that would probably give most fangirls a nosebleed. "Come in, please."

He cautiously skittered in, and clung to L's arm like a limpet. "We missed you!" yelled Mello, who was practically lying on top of L's chest. Matt was clinging to L's other arm, curled up with his head on L's shoulder.

"Boys, could you get off of me for a few seconds? It's not uncomfortable or anything, but my back is rather stiff…"

"…Bed?"

"Okay, you can resume the hugging session on the bed."

--

Watari came in to a sleeping bundle of Mello, Matt, and Near, and L sitting in a chair biting his thumbnail. "They fell asleep," he stated unnecessarily, standing up.

A closer inspection of the sleeping trio revealed that Matt wasn't asleep at all, despite being used as a human mattress by Near.

--

**So? You like? You hate? **

**Doesn't matter, leave a review or I'll have to smack you with a noodle. I mean the edible kind. **

**I need more ideas for Mello torturage, 'cos the plot bunnies didn't really help me with that aspect of the story.**

**Will there be shounen-ai? **

**It's up to you guys. Yes, you, reader. Review this, ask for fluff ('cos my inner yaoi fangirl cannot do lemons), ask for more anti-Mello, Near, or (heaven forbid!) Matt… I'll even add Light in here if you ask nicely and give me some Pocky.**

**I love Pocky.**

…

**So, authoress rant over…**

**HAPPY BIRTHDAYREVIEWSUBLIMINALMESSAGE REVIEW REVIEW BLAH BLAH BLAH**

…

**Yeah.**


	2. II

How To Torture Mello

**How to Torture Mello**

**I am in sheer AWE of how many people reviewed this fic on the first chapter. I usually get two, maybe three reviews…and you all gave me 7. SEVEN! That's just plain AWESOME! Please, reviewers, give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you.**

**Your ideas were weighed…and this story will have some rather mild MelloxMatt, not enough to be called yaoi, some more L-ish-ness…and Mello cross-dressing.**

**All this and more…**

**In this chapter! WOOT!**

--

As soon as L and Watari closed the door quietly behind their retreating backs, Matt cracked open his eyes and pushed Near's limp white head off of his stomach.

It was time to prepare for his next escapade in torturing his roommate.

Mello and Near kept sleeping as he stole out of the room, tiptoeing over to his friend Lost's room. "Lost. Yo, LOST!" he whispered/yelled.

A bleary-eyed scruffy girl came to the door. "Whaddyawant?"

"I need…some dresses. And skirts."

Lost looked at him like he'd just suggested the existence of whangdoodles. "…Do I want to know why?"

Matt grinned. "Nope."

She sighed and went back into her room, rummaged around for a bit, and came back with an armful of lace, feathers, gauzy mesh, and fishnet stockings. "Here. Give it back by Tuesday, mkay?"

Matt nodded eagerly, taking the proffered bundle and running off to his room.

He had work to do.

--

Mello woke up with a start. "DON'T EAT THE MUFFIN!"

"…Good morning to you too," replied Matt, obviously somewhat weirded out.

The blonde shot him a glare and plopped back down onto his fluffy pillows, staring at the stuccoed ceiling like it was the Taj Mahal. "Don't blame me. Blame my dreams."

"…Riiiiiiiiiight." drawled the gamer, rolling his eyes in an obvious display of 'I don't believe you and you know it'-ness.

Mello turned over in his cocoon of covers.

When he woke up again, Matt was gone, the alarm clock next to his face read 12:00, and the stereo underneath Matt's desk was blasting Iron Maiden at a volume usually reserved for concerts.

Mello shook himself awake, staggered over to the stereo and kicked it, which caused it to sputter like an asthmatic chicken. Mission complete, he sat on his bed for a while thinking of ways to waste time while he twiddled his thumbs. Looking down at his boxers, he finally thought _I think I should change into my clothes._

So he did.

Or at least attempted to.

He opened the closet…only to find that all of his clothes were gone.

They were replaced by hanger after hanger of…

Dresses.

Every imaginable color, fabric, size, and style, with matching petticoats and garters, to boot.

Mello stood there, awestruck and inwardly cursing whatever force had suddenly abducted his gorgeous leather and replaced them with this…this…this _filth_.

"Crapbiscuits," he swore, then proceeded to tear apart the rest of his shared room in search of any scrap of leather - even a loincloth would do.

His search was in vain- he had no other clothes- so he gritted his teeth, pulled down a random dress, and put it on. It took him a while to find the zipper, but once he stepped into it, it was clear that this dress was meant to show off cleavage, which Mello clearly had a lack of…being a guy.

So he threw that one off and tried another. This one was polka-dotted, poofy, and designed to be worn with a petticoat, which Mello was _not_ doing. It was rejected, thrown in the pile with the other one.

Soon the heap was getting kind of big, and Mello was getting kind of irritated. So he ripped the next dress off of the hanger, impatiently put it on, and…it fit. Well, fit as well as a dress can fit on a guy.

He put on the matching socks, mainly because he wanted to see people's reactions, and without a second thought, strode out of the door to breakfast.

--

Bad idea.

Mello was crazy embarrassed.

Why the hell did everyone insist on making catcalls at him just because he couldn't find his normal clothes?

And little kids that he usually ate for breakfast were pointing and laughing!

Damn, Matt was going to be KILLED.

--

When Mello walked in, Matt nearly had a nosebleed all over his Calculus homework.

_Jeezus H. Murphy, are normal people_ allowed_ to be that hot?! _he wondered, looking down at some complex problems and mentally willing himself not to think about the cross-dressed blonde. _Oh, crap. He's going to kill me with a set of pliers, a whip, and a baseball bat…oooh boy…_

Unfortunately for him, said blonde plunked down across from him with a tray of toast. "Matt, I am going to KILL you with a set of pliers, a whip, and a baseba-" he growled, but was suddenly cut off as blood sprayed across the table from Matt's nose.

There was a silence as Matt dripped all over his shirt and Mello looked down at his ruined toast.

"That hot?" he asked.

Matt nodded, helping himself to a napkin.

"I'm still mad at you."

--

Across the room, a certain white sheepy someone was laughing his ass off.

--

"MATT!!"

"I'm sorry, Lost! It was a matter of sexiness!"

"I don't frickin' care how sexy he looked! YOU GOT BLOOD ON MY DRESS!!"

"…I'm…sorry…"

"That's it. You're doing my laundry for a week."

"Crapbiscuits."

--

Matt sullenly led Mello to a supply closet, dragged by his ear. "In here."

Mello opened the door, and thank God, his beautiful, beautiful leather was there. All of it, even that thong that Matt had bought him as a Christmas gift and had earned the gamer a smack to the face.

Mello looked back at Matt, who was looking utterly miserable.

_He looks good in that,_ he thought, eyeing the polka dot dress-complete with petticoat- that the orange-goggled boy was currently wearing against his will.

Mello resisted the urge to tackleglomp his roommate, and instead piled most of the black heap of leather onto him.

"We've got to get this back into my room."

"_Our _room, a-hole."

--

Midnight.

The door to Matt and Mello's room creaked open enough to let Near crawl in. The sheep…was on a mission.

He crawled past the pair's beds, inwardly giggling as Matt sleep-muttered "Triple combo…Donkey Kong…no, Link! Z, Z, X!" and Mello began to snore. He crept onto the desk chair, took a pen out of his pocket, and began to write in Matt's book, beginning to detail a new quest to drive Mello crazy.

_The last quest, _Near thought, _was a total flop. Hm…what to do next…crossdressing's done…how about…something with L? Yes…that'll embarrass him for years…_

--

A boy walking to the bathroom outside Mello and Matt's room swore he heard a small evil cackle the next morning.

No one believed him.

--

When Matt opened the book the next morning, he found a totally new section. He couldn't help but smile as he read the loopy handwriting.

Mello was in for one wild ride.

--

**Ooooooh, quasi-cliffy!!**

**Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, and for the lack of detail in Mello's cross-dressing…but I've done the best I can. Kind of.**

**I'm looking forward to writing the next chapter…let's just say that it currently involves L, awkward romantic advances, much cackling by Near, and more Matt nosebleeds.**

**MUAHAHA.**

**Crapbiscuits is my new favorite swearword. Lolz.**

**Pocky to reviewers! **


	3. III

How To Torture Mello

How To Torture Mello

**Another new chapter. Woohoo, I'm on a roll.  
This chapter includes much embarrassment on Mello's part, more Matt-centric nosebleeds, and a very disturbingly evil Near. Oh, L's here too. Yay.**

**This fanfic has been brought to you by:**

**Narrow Stairs, DCFC's new album;  
The backspace key;  
L;  
Lemon sorbet;  
and my favorite inspiration, boredom.**

**--  
**Mello walked back to his room from the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel and dripping all over the freshly cleaned floor.

He knocked on the door- this was a habit he'd developed, after walking into Matt in a very…well, we'll call it compromising…position- and Matt yelled "COME IN."

Matt was lying face down on the floor, arms outstretched in the rug, feet up and waving around. His DS was open, sitting next to him, and blaring the tinny Mario theme.

"What are you _doing_?!" asked Mello, sitting down on the bed and poking the redhead with his toe.

"Yoga," was the muffled reply, as Matt hoisted his upper body up off of the carpet and bent his back. "This's called the Sun Salutation."

"…Riiiiight."

Matt plopped back down on the rug, turned over, and asked, "Hey, isn't L coming down today?"

"Yeah, it's on the calendar in the hallway. Why? You excited?"

"Hn, yeah. Just wondering, really."

Mello couldn't help but feel a twinge of foreboding, seeing as Matt had humiliated him twice before…

--

As soon as Mello went to get breakfast, Matt got up off of the floor, cracked his back, and padded over to Mello's dresser.

There was a bottle of some strange shampoo, which Matt opened, poured cologne into, and stirred before closing the lid again; a small tube of cologne, which smelled like stinky socks- Matt didn't dare touch it for fear of being contaminated; and a hairbrush. Matt took the hairbrush to his side of the room, where he fiddled around with it for a while before putting it back, satisfied. He'd coated most of the brush with bright purple hair dye, so that when Mello ran it through his hair, it'd deposit.

Matt thought himself a genius.

And with that cheery tone, he snapped his goggles on and skipped down to breakfast.

Yes, skipped.

--

"Exactly as planned!!" cackled Near, watching from the ventilation grate. He regarded the rather forlorn-looking Transformer doll next to him. "Don't worry, Optimus Prime. We'll win. You'll see…"

--

"L!!" screeched the mass of orphans crowded around the front door, attempting to hug/tackleglomp/molest the poor detective, who was wildly trying to fight the mass of kids off.

"Yes, I know you're happy to see me, but I really have to- No, don't cry! I'll see you at dinner! Don't jump on me, please! It's painful! Ah! Did I step on you?! Oh, I'm sorry. Go see Roger, he'll fix it for you… Mello! Near!"

This last remark was directed to the two, who were both beaming (in Near's case, looking happy for once) and itching noticeably to run and tackleglomp their "hero".

"Let's go up to my room, okay?" said L, taking their hands.

Matt watched eagerly from the crowd. _Perfect…_ he thought, inwardly rubbing his hands together in glee.

--

Mello was ecstatic.

L, in the flesh, not just a fake scrambled voice with a letter, was sitting there in front of him, and he was AWESOME.

He knew that he usually came in late at night, hence the hugging-fest that they'd had a couple days ago, but for L to travel in normal hours was just plain strange. But it didn't matter, since L was here. If L was here, Mello didn't need chocolate. He was happy.

The detective in question was carefully plopping sugar cubes into his teacup, going on ten. "So, Near, Mello, how are your studies going?"

They answered in turn, Near (as always) getting somewhat better scores than Mello, who at the moment couldn't care less.

"Ah. I see…Well, boys, I'm working on a very dangerous case."

Utter silence.

"And I'm risking my life, you see. The murderer I'm trying to identify can kill with merely a face and name, but now we've seen evidence that they can kill with just the face. I may die. That is what I'm saying."

"You…you're…?" stuttered Mello, unable to say what he'd planned, which was much more intelligent than this.

"Yes, I am. So, boys…If I am to die, the one who should take over as L…"

Mello listened with bated breath. Had he finally, finally beaten Near?!

"…Of course, this is only in the event that I perish…"

Oh, come on!! Mello was squirming in his chair. The suspense was just too much for him to bear…he needed to know…

"Well, it's –"

BOOM.

"What the bloody hell was that?!" swore L as he ran over to the window with faster speed than you'd think his skinny body was capable of.

Mello sat there in shock. "No... NOOOOOOO!!" he yelled at the ceiling, foiled again in his never-ending quest to beat Near.

--

Downstairs, a very shell-shocked Matt sat staring at the two wires in his hands, then the large black sooty spot about ten feet in front of him.

He'd never been more grateful for his goggles. And he'd learned never, ever, ever to detonate C4 in his room. Luckily he'd done it in the basement this time.

"That was awesome."

--

When Mello stomped into their shared room, Matt was oh-so-innocently lying on his bed, playing some random game.

"WHAT. THE. HELL. DID. YOU. DO?!" the chocoholic yelled, grabbing Matt by the collar and hoisting him up to eye level.

Foggy orange-green met angry blue.

"I didn't do anything," said Matt, holding up his unscathed hands. Mello grabbed them, searching for any trace of soot, any burns…anything that would give Matt away as a culprit.

"Okay…I guess you're telling the truth."

_Yes!_ thought Matt, but he didn't say it.

--

That night, Matt woke up at about one in the morning, went over to the CD player under his desk, stuck a disk in it, pressed a button, and picked the entire thing up. He dropped it right beside Mello's bed, pressed play, and scooted out of the room like it was on fire, shutting the door behind him.

"Phase two," he mumbled to himself, "is complete!"

--

Mello woke up muttering.

"WhyisMatta stonerrrrr?! Wha?!"

He nearly smacked his head on the loudly blaring CD player, which had been playing the same song for nearly five hours. "WHAT THE HELL?!" he yelled, kicking it off his bed and killing the music with a BAM.

He muttered some more, something about "Matt's such a SOB…" and then bothered to realize what song had been playing.

Shut Up And Sleep With Me.

Mello's mental processes shut down for a second as he figured this out.

_Oh, god._

--

Matt was interrupted during breakfast by Mello plopping down in front of him, humming quietly. "Hey, Mells."

The blonde in question shot him a High Voltage Death Glare, which shocked the gamer a little. _Oh, so he must know the song…_he thought, inwardly smacking himself.

Mello couldn't take it anymore, however. He started singing, quietly at first, but finally loud enough for his tablemate to hear.

"Shut up…and sleep with me come on why don't you sleep with me…"

Matt blinked a couple times. "Mello…?"

He looked up. And blushed, at the face that Matt was making. "Ehh…the song…stuck…in my head…yeahhh…"

There was a moment of silence.

Then Mello suddenly got up, said "Bathroom," and was gone in less time than Matt thought possible.

"Hm…"

--

Mello grabbed some toilet paper and stuffed it up his nose.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Matt. Making him get a nosebleed for no apparent reason. Screw that, he knew that there was a reason- that dumb song that he'd played in his ear all night long! Why were there people out there who _liked_ that kind of stuff?!

_Stupid yaoi fangirls,_ he thought bitterly, checking his nose for any more bleedage.

--

Near nearly peed his pants.

--

"MAAAATTTTTTT!!"

"What?"

"WHY IS MY HAIR TURNING PURPLE?!"

Matt cackled.

"WHAT?"

"I don't know…pffft!!"

"…This is your fault, isn't it."

Matt was out of there before Mello could come at him, bloodlust in his eyes. No one messed with his hair and got away with it.

--

The next morning, Matt woke up with a boombox in front of his nose. "Grah!" he yelled, falling off the bed.

_Crap…_ he thought, waiting for the subliminal message of the song to pop into his head.

His face fell.

Could Mello sink this low?

Yes, he could.

The song?

Like A Virgin, by Madonna.

--

"Like a virgin…being touched for the very first tiiime…like a viiiiiiiirgin…"

"What are you SINGING?!"

--

**Yeah!**

**So, there you go, some evil Near, revenge-y Mello, and poor victimized Matt.**

**I'm starting to really like this fic. **

**REVIEWERS ARE ÜBER AWESOME 'COS THEY'RE GANGSTA.**

**And that, my friends, is truth.**

…

**I'm thinking about making a n00b's guide to Fanfiction, since no n00b wants to click on something and find that it's a very graphic lemon. Nooooo. **

**So a lexicon of Fanfiction terms is in order! That was completely random!**

…

**CHRISTMASTREESAREAWESOMESUBLIMINALMESSAGEREVIEWREVIEWSUBLIMINALMESSAGEOVERHUGSTOALLIT'SASMALLWORLDWOOTNESS**

**黒川 ****(kuro kawa)(black river)(blake mkenzie)**

**Awesome!**


	4. IV

How To Torture Mello 4

**How To Torture Mello 4.**

**Holy crap, the amount of reviews that I'm getting for this story is just…insane. Thank you all so much- for every review, one plot bunny plants itself in my head.**

**The plot bunny this chapter is mostly based off of came from a review by the awesome Kaze Kimizu. Pure genius.**

**And now, without further ado…**

--

A few days passed, Matt got over his "Like a Virgin" phase, and soon he was itching to prank Mello again.

So was Near.

He'd written so many ideas in that crazy little book, waited patiently, but Matt didn't do anything. This frustrated the little sheepy someone, who nearly thwacked Matt on the head during lunch.

But he didn't.

And it was a good thing that he was patient.

--

Mello yawned lazily, stretched, and looked over at Matt, who was lying on his back staring intently at the ceiling. "G'morning," he slurred, trying to keep his eyes open.

"Mmmmhn."

They laid in silence for a minute, then Roger's cane gave a couple of sharp raps against the door. "WAKE UP! WAAAAKEEE UPPPPP!!" he yelled, and Matt and Mello simultaneously groaned.

"Remind me again what Roger always says?" asked Mello, pulling on a pair of black ripped jeans.

"It's a new day-" began Matt, pulling a striped shirt over his head.

"-Get up and face it," they chorused, as they finished getting dressed.

Matt snapped his goggles on, waited for Mello to go outside to breakfast, and immediately ran over to his dresser, opened the drawer, and dug through a pile of socks till he found what he was looking for. A box of…well, let's be blunt…condoms.

He cackled inwardly, then dug in his backpack and produced a couple packets of mayonnaise, which he proceeded to spray into the…things.

He threw the completed pranks over to Mello's side, by his bed, then quickly re-hid the box and ran out the door, guffawing inwardly all the while.

--

Mello crunched his way through his toast contentedly, waiting for Matt to catch up. "Hey, where were you?" he asked the gamer, who plopped down beside him with a bunch of scrambled eggs.

"Baffroom," he replied through an eggy mouthful.

Mello nodded, and redirected his attention to his toast.

Suddenly there was a clamor over by the door, and L came in, haggled by kids. "Aahhhh!! Please! Don't do that! You'll rip my-"

RIIIIP.

L's shirt split in two, making all the kids around him instantly shut up.

Across the room, both Mello and Matt were holding in nosebleeds and blushes.

"…"

They shared a glance and got the heck out of there before anything else could happen.

--

Mello laid down on his bed, staring intently at the ceiling again. It seemed to have a very…relaxing effect… probably because Matt was in the bathroom and not near him, not able to embarrass him in any way, shape, or form. That purple hair dye had taken three showers in a row to wash out, and nearly all of Mello's shampoo, which he'd discovered smelled suspiciously like cologne.

KNOCK.

Mello stood up. "Come in."

And lo and behold, L himself came in, with a new pristine white shirt and his hair messy and kinda looking like a hedgehog.

Mello stepped back…and trod on something.

Something rubbery and squishy.

He looked down, and nearly screamed. There were…things…underneath his bed?! Who put them there?!

While Mello was busy having his mental breakdown, L was examining the Xbox that Matt had turned into a fishtank.

_Ohmygodohmygod What am I gonna do…Where should I put them, I can't just kick it under the bed…OH GOD! DAMN YOU MATT!! AHHHHH!!_

He looked over at L quickly, and relieved that he wasn't looking near him, quickly picked one of the…things…up and threw it quickly into the trashcan.

No reaction.

Mello nearly cheered with relief, but there was still another one on the floor. He picked it up…

…and L turned and caught sight of Mello, scared out of his mind, holding a mayonnaise-covered condom.

There was a silence.

"…Mello? What are you doing?"

Mello fell over in a dead faint.

"…"

"Oh dear." L said, before quickly stealing the chocolate bar from off of Mello's dresser.

--

Mello woke up in his room, in his bed, with a certain red-haired gamer staring at him with those green eyes.

His first thought was, _Matt. Yay._

His second was, _STRANGLE THE BASTARD!!_

--

Near fell over laughing in the air vent, and couldn't stop until his face turned red.

--

Matt sighed. Was this really fair punishment? No. But Mello with murder in his eyes wasn't something anyone could comfortably negotiate with.

"More tea, please," said the blonde, and Matt, in full French maid attire, rolled his eyes and poured him some from the teapot he'd been holding.

Mello was going to get it.

--

"G'morni-GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Mello's scream echoed through the entire building.

Watari, Roger, and L all came running, only to find Mello, paralyzed with fear under a huge clown face hanging over his bed.

"…"

--

The next day, Mello came back from a shower to find a huge puppy head on his bed, along with a note that said in an untidy scrawl, _Wear me._

He rolled his eyes and went off to get his customary outfit.

And nearly cried, because it was gone. Again.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

--

Near caught sight of an irate Mello in a puppy mascot costume, and nearly fell over laughing.

He was able to restrain himself for only so long, though.

"GYA HA HAHAAH HAHAHAHAHA!!"

The sheep didn't hear another kid say to the one beside him, "Is Near really laughing?"

"Yes."

They looked back over their shoulders at the boy, who was still shaking with mirth.

"Scary…"

--

Matt was nearly strangled by a furry pair of arms that came down behind him. "Wha-?" he said, before they squeezed him in a viselike grip.

"Give me back my leather," came Mello's voice from above him.

"Wasn't-me-let-go." choked Matt.

"You swear on your DS?"

"Yeah. Let-go."

Mello obliged, but spun him around and asked him, "Well then, who was it?"

"…Near." replied the gamer, massaging his neck with a wince.

Mello grinned a grin that would make small children run for their mothers. "Near."

--

So of course they had to formulate a plan against the small sheepy someone. A plan that involved much cackling, fake nose-bleeding, and a lot of sleep.

--

Near yawned widely, stretched, got up, and walked out of the playroom, down the stairs, over a couple corridors, and into his room.

It was pretty much barren, with just a few toys scattered on the soft shag carpet, a smallish bed, and a toy box. He crawled into his bed, and before five minutes passed, was deeply asleep.

Cunning eyes peeked under the door.

"He asleep?" asked Matt, quickly beginning to pick the lock on the door.

"Yeah. Sleeps like a little kid, though."

"He is one." With that, the door quietly opened, and Matt and Mello stole in.

"Shh…" said Mello, motioning for Matt to bring out the "Secret Weapon."

Which was…

…a bra. To be precise, it was Lost's, bright purple and lacy.

The blonde took down the covers, carefully unbuttoned Near's pajama top, then took the bra from Matt and fastened it around Near's slim chest. "Mission complete," he whispered to Matt, who nodded as he re-buttoned the shirt.

They quietly stole out of the room, where the oblivious Near slept on.

--

Breakfast the next day was absolutely hilarious.

Near walked in, yawning and rubbing his eyes, with the purple bra showing through his pajamas and making several people run to the bathroom with chronic nosebleeds.

Including (and this really got on Mello's nerves) Matt.

So of course he had to give Matt a nosebleed himself.

--

Near couldn't understand why everyone was going to the bathroom holding their faces. He looked down…and…_oh._

The purple-brassiered sheep blushed deeply, stammered a quick apology, and ran out of the dining room tearing off the bra.

_Touché._

--

Mello hadn't forgotten about Matt's Near-induced nosebleed. So he lay in wait in his room…

--

Matt walked in, blinked, blinked some more, mumbled something, and ran out holding his face.

And Mello got up, licked the whipped cream off of his stomach, and put his shirt back on.

_Mission accomplished._

--

…**You can imagine what went through Matt's head, walking into that…**

**Heh, heh. I am one evil authoress, am I not? Putting my favorite characters through such awkwardly torturous situations and making them randomly get nosebleeds…**

**Thank you all so incredibly much for the reviews.**

**Next chapter may be hatched from given plot bunnies, so click that little purpley button down there and review away. Even reviews consisting of a Raito smirk will be grudgingly accepted. Raitonon-L. Non-L Not cool. Therefore RaitoNot cool.**

**Transitive property. Look it up.**

**Well, the above only applies when he's not in a yaoi pairing with L. **

**黒川**** – ****kuro kawa- black river- blake mckenzie**

**Squee.**


	5. V

How To Torture Mello 5

**How To Torture Mello 5. **

**I'm sorry for the extra-long wait for this chapter…I'll make it up to you guys next chapter by including more of your given plot bunny seeds! YESSSS!!**

**I has a cold. Boooo.**

**I got a lot of...somewhat interesting reviews for that last chapter, and since I'd already written this one, I wasn't able to stick your plot bunnies in. -sigh-. I'm sorry. But I'll try to keep up with your awesome ideas. 40-something reviews...woooowww...**

**In this chapter-**

**Fluff, nosebleeds, cackling, and (as always) über embarrassed Mello. Woot!**

--

Mello sighed, stretched, and laid down on his bed clad in only his M&M-patterned boxers. He was tired, and he knew that as soon as Matt came in, he'd be challenged to beat him at some random video game.

"Hey Mells," said the aforementioned gamer, sliding in with a smirk on his face. "Any guesses to which game-," he broke off, seeing that Mello was still staring at the ceiling. "Bad day?"

"Nah, just tired," answered the blonde, getting up and sitting in the desk chair. "Anyway, which game?"

"GOD OF WAR, SHELLS YEAH!" yelled Matt, brandishing a disc case. "I will so totally pwn your guts at this!"

"Can you even play multiplayer?"

"…no…"

--

Meanwhile, Near was getting annoyed at the lack of Mello-irking, as he leaned back in the air vent with Optimus Prime at his side. "I don't know what's gotten into Matt," he remarked to the emotionless plastic robot, "but it's sure detrimental to my plan. I need to write some more stuff in that book."

He shook the figure's head up and down, and in a falsetto whispered to himself, "Good idea, Near!"

--

Next morning, Mello was rudely awakened by a very heavy something plopping on top of him and loudly warbling "Apple bottom jeans, tha boots with tha fur…"

"SHUT UP." answered Mello, throwing his pillow into Matt's mouth and effectively silencing his sad attempt at rapping.

There was a silence, much longer than expected, and a second too late Mello realized that Matt had swiftly handcuffed him to his bed. "Matt."

There was no answer- the gamer had gone bush- so Mello was left to seethe by himself. Matt and Near…they were going to get it. And so Mello's brilliant mind began to churn, thinking how to get himself into the best possible situation for revenge.

But first he had to get out of these wretched handcuffs. He looked up at them, blinked, then sighed. Why was Matt so stupid?

The keys jingled merrily as Mello nearly busted a gut trying to hit them off of the top of the headboard.

--

"What's that?" asked Lost's roommate, Laura, her head cocked.

"What's what?" replied Lost, taking off her huge earphones.

"Sounds like someone's smacking against the wall."

Lost's face blanched. "They're going all the way!"

"Who is?" asked Matt, poking his head in.

"…Er, no one."

--

Later that day, an unsuspecting Near accidentally left the grille for the air vent open as he left to the playroom.

And after Mello beat him up with a towel (it can be done, folks,) a very sore Matt was forced to spray toothpaste all over his bed. Then roll around in it. And then go hug some random person. He did this all with a pained look on his face, regarding Mello impassively over the shoulder of Lost, who was squirming wildly as he hugged her.

They couldn't keep a grudge against each other for long, though, so by the time Matt had washed all of the minty gunk out of his hair, Mello had reconciled him.

--

"Hey, how about we sneak into Near's room?"

"Why?"

"Because he's Near, the small sheepy emo person."

"Emo?"

"He's emo. Trust me on this, mkay?"

"Alright…but why sneak in?"

"Just because we can, that's why. We're just that awesome."

They sneaked into the room, quiet and stealthy, and were immensely relieved that not a trace of the sheepy someone remained.

"Phew, he's not here."

"Hey, Mello?" asked Matt, pointing at the open vent. "What do you think this's for?"

Mello considered it for a second, stroking an imaginary beard before finally pronouncing, "I don't know. Let's go in and follow it."

So they did.

It was cramped for them, seeing as Near was so much smaller than both of them, and also much skinnier. They managed, though, and squirmed their way down the vent until Matt's goggles clinked against another grille. "Can you see where it ends?" asked Mello tiredly. "It's…in our room!" answered the squished gamer, surprised.

He turned around, smack dab into Mello's back. "You're blocking me."

"The other side's closed!" yelled the chocoholic. "Someone closed the vent in Near's room!"

"Crap."

Mello turned around, and unexpectedly the two boys' faces were inches apart.

"Uh…"

"Er…well…you see…"

They both turned furiously red, their noses threatening to let loose a torrent of blood. So Mello decided to make the most of the moment, and pressed his lips to Matt's.

--

His eyes opened wide, like someone had just smacked his cerebellum, then slowly fluttered closed.

…_he tastes like chocolate…_he thought, and then had the more urgent thought _Holy shit! I'm kissing a guy! Moreover, I'm kissing Mello?! WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!_

Swiftly Mello pulled away, and they were left red-faced and panting, still within inches of each other.

"…I'm sorry…" he muttered, a distinct blush visible on his cheeks.

"S'okay. Raging hormones, I guess." replied Matt, shrugging and trying to keep himself from tackling his roommate.

There was a very awkward silence before Matt pounced on Mello, smashing their lips together.

_He tastes like…toothpaste…_thought Mello, inwardly smirking.

--

Near had walked into his room, heard the two talking from inside the vent, and had a brain flash. He replaced the grating, set up a video camera near it, and taped the pair.

It was the best idea he'd had…until suddenly Mello kissed Matt.

Near blanched, then blushed, then abruptly realized that blood was dripping out of his nose in a torrent of red. "Haahhh?!" he said, wide-eyed, and scurried off to the bathroom to somehow stop the bleeding.

--

A few minutes later, two panting, blushing teens finally discovered that the vent that opened into their room could be opened from the inside.

"Well, that was interesting," said Matt, pushing himself through the hole and landing with a _plop_ on the shag carpet.

Mello said nothing. This escapade actually hadn't been too bad. No one had seen it, right?

--

When Near came back, two tampons stuck up his nose, he realized that he'd left the camera running. _Brilliant,_ he thought sourly, then perked up at the fact that he'd be able to show this to the entire orphanage…and to L himself.

Near began to cackle nasally.

--

"Er…Near?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you have two tampons stuck up your nose?"

"…Tampons?"

"Yeah."

"…I had a nosebleed…"

"…"

"…Really…"

"You _do_ know what tampons are for, right?"

"…no…"

--

That night, at dinner, neither Matt nor Mello noticed the small sheepy someone go up to Watari and whisper something in his ear. Watari nodded, and Near went off to the back of the room.

The next thing that happened would be burned in Mello's "Kill Near For…" list for the rest of his life.

A white projection light appeared on the far wall, much to everyone's puzzlement, and abruptly a video of the vent came up.

Mello's face began to twist in a very strange array of motions. Matt cracked every single one of his knuckles.

Suddenly the screen-Matt and Mello kissed, and the entire room gasped, some unfortunate yaoi fangirls getting nasty nosebleeds.

And Matt and Mello (the real ones) got up and ran for Near.

--

"GYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! DON'T KIIILLLLL MEEEEEEEEE!!"

"You're the one that asked for it, Near."

"But…but…Matt! You were on my side!!" whimpered Near, practically begging for mercy.

"Until you started including me in your pranks, too."

Near began to cry.

--

The movie was still playing, and L sat there in shock.

Ooooohkay. His orphans were very…er…interesting.

He needed to have a talk with Matt and Mello before they got too involved.

So after the movie, L strode in their room, half-expecting a makeout session to be going on, but instead seeing two very intense teenagers playing a game of Wii Tennis.

"I'm going to kick your sorry ass all around the room, and then I'm going to set it on FIRE!"

"…Whatever you say, Mello. I'm still kicking your butt here."

"SHUT UP!"

L stood there, puzzled. "Hello, boys."

They turned, surprised, and Matt paused the game. "Hey, L. What's up?"

"Well, about that movie that Near showed today…"

"Oh, that. It wasn't anything."

"Well, if it turns into something, please tell me before anything…happens."

There was a silence before they understood what L was implying.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!" shrieked Mello, utterly disgusted. "L, I know we're teenagers, but we're not going to do anything like…_that._"

L sighed in relief. "Good. Goodnight, then."

"G'night."

--

They didn't beat Near up that night, since the very sight of seeing the small sheepy someone bawl his eyes out was enough revenge for both of them.

But Mello insisted on making Near buy him three bars of chocolate, which the sheep did, with a sniff and a sigh.

"Alright, Near. You're forgiven for now. But watch out…we might just choose to…slip a little thing into your drink or something like that. So keep on guard, mkay?"

And with that, Mello stalked grandly off before falling flat on his face.

"WHO PUT THAT THERE?!" he yelled, and a smirking Matt stealthily ran off to his room.

--

**Yeah****…**

**The tables will turn! Muahahah! For, I, teh Mighty Authoress, have decreed that Mello's been tortured enough. Now it's Near's turn…and maybe L's…and Roger's…**

**I want Mello's boxers. I'll wear them around the house. Shelllllls yeah.**

**Oh, Wammy****'s House is going to be very interesting from now on…-evil cackle-**

**Thank you, reviewers, for your patronage of my fanfics. Your efforts to get me to update are not in vain. **

**Anyone want to send me a plot bunny? Cool. **

**PUPPIESBUNNIESANDTOMATOESOHMYSUBLIMINALMESSAGEREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWOHMYGOSHITSAGRAPEVINEFIRELET'SGOEATIT!**

**I love the song Grapevine Fires by Death Cab for Cutie. It's awesome. Listen to it. TOASTER!**

**-****黒川****- blake mckenzie-daisukeismyboyfriend-**


	6. VI

How to Torture Mello 6

**How to Torture Mello 6.**

**Wow, it's actually come this far. Six chapters and I haven't let up. And to think this was going to be a three-shot. Bah.**

**I've got 52 reviews, at the time I'm writing this, and OH MY GOSH you guys are **_**AWESOME**_**. The kindness and the "OMG you're hilarious"-ness just made me so incredibly happy…please pat yourselves on the back, reviewers. You repeatedly make my day. Yes, it's possible. Even you people who just got on the bandwagon, thanks so incredibly much. The plot bunnies that were given popped out of the computer screen and started noshing on my brains.**

**Noshing…**

**I'm using that in this fic.**

"**Why am I suddenly speaking German?!" –Excel Saga.**

**Also, much respect to the reviewer who suggested a bad-tempered emu to be added to this story. Your wishes have been granted…muahahaha…**

**IN THIS CHAPTER:**

**Embarrassed L, Light (without his memories), Watari with a nosebleed, innocent-looking Mello, and maternity leather.**

**Hobey-ho!**

--

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Mello gazed wearily at the ceiling.

It had been a week since Near had shown that very…er, awkward-turtle-inducing movie, a week since L had put cameras into their room to make _sure_ they weren't doing anything inappropriate (or did L just want to watch?), a week since Matt had smacked him over the head for trying to light his Gameboy on fire.

And Mello realized, with a jolt, that today was actually somewhat important.

L was bringing a visitor.

So he yawned/sighed deeply, slowly sat up, and slumped there, on his bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Maaaaaatt?" he drawled, eyes closed.

"Poooooooooocktsuki..."

"Wake up."

"Don' wanna."

He walked over to the gamer's bed, leaned down, and kissed him. "Now wake up?"

No reaction.

Mello sighed, got up, and grabbed a spray bottle off of his dresser. "I'll spray you."

Matt was up and dressed in less time than Mello thought was physically possible. "Okay, I'm up! I'm up!"

"Is my cologne that bad?" asked the blonde, offended.

"Yes."

--

Near woke up in a rather odd predicament.

He was surrounded by (or at least he thought he was) dancing paper dolls dressed entirely in leather…until he blinked, and realized that the "dolls" were just Mello and Matt standing over him grinning very evil grins.

_This,_ Near thought, swallowing audibly, _could be a very, very bad day._

"Get up, melonhead," said Mello, crunching a piece of chocolate between his molars as he spoke. "There's this thing called breakfast, y'know? And another thing called being hungry. Yeah. Say it. HU-N-GA-RYYYY."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Do you have to be that macho _all _the time?"

"Of course I do! If I don't, the emus will eat my face…"

"…"

"The horrible, horrible emus…emo emus…"

"Whatever you say, Mello."

And with that, they schlepped the loudly complaining (for him at least) Near out of his room, through the halls, into the kitchen, out of the kitchen, up the stairs, into L's bathroom, out of L's bathroom, and-finally- into the dining room.

They dropped his arms onto the floor, exhausted. "Why did we have to go all the way into L's bathroom?" asked the redhead, holding his knees and panting like a dog.

"…No reason…" replied Mello, which clearly implied that there was a reason that was either very perverted or very…Mello-like.

--

They got food, Mello piling hunks of strawberries onto Near's plate with great gusto and Matt sticking to his normal scrambled eggs, and sat down.

They didn't stay there for long.

L suddenly ran into the door, pulling a strange-looking guy in with him and quickly shutting the doors. "CRAPBISCUITS," he swore, looking for somewhere to hide.

"Hi, L."

L jumped about three feet in the air. "…Oh, Mello. Don't do that."

"Do…what? And who's that?"

The person in question was dressed haphazardly in a button-down shirt and some nice slacks. He looked, in Mello's opinion, like some sort of model for Banana Republic or J.Crew or some other lame-o store like that. His hair was brown, his eyes were brown, and he wasn't really that…interesting.

L answered, "Oh. Right. Boys, this is Yagami Raito."

"Call me Light," said the guy-Raito- as he bowed.

"…"

--

Raito was somewhat bugged by the fact that L had never told him that he had an orphanage. Okay, maybe it wasn't _his,_ but after all they'd been through –not going into details, but it involved some rather…er, R-rated stuff- he thought he deserved to know basically _everything_ about L. Except his real name- that was off limits. For anyone.

So he stood there, watching these scruffy little kids introduce themselves.

"I'm Matt." said the red-haired boy clutching a Gameboy, who was wearing the weirdest eyegear Raito had ever seen. Orange lenses…straps holding the whole apparatus to the kid's –to Matt's- face… some strange nosepiece. _What…the…hell are those?! _ he thought, trying to paste a smile onto his obviously weirded-out face.

The next boy (was he really a guy? He sure looked like a girl…) freaked Raito out even more than the first. He had longish, blonde hair, blue eyes, and the clothes…the clothes… Raito's Banana Republic mind couldn't handle the clothes. _Too much leather…_ he thought, trying not to gag. "I'm Mello." he/she said, giving a short and not-too-polite bow.

The third kid was just as weird, though in a strangely different way. Dressed completely in white, with white hair…_He's like a sheep. An emo sheep. _"Watashi wa Near desu."

L saw the growing panic in Raito's eyes and decided to suddenly pull him out of there. "Well, I've got to show Light around I'll see you guys later bye."

And they were gone.

"…"

"What…the…HELL?!"

--

Mello needed chocolate.

It'd been about an hour after L had ran off, leaving them confused and wondering about the level of sanity of this "Light" dude, and he'd discovered that once again, he was flat out of chocolate.

This called for a chocolate raid.

So he recruited Matt, who had sighed and put down his Wii-mote, mumbling curses under his breath.

Now they were at L's door, ready to play the part of "poor, sick orphans," and Mello knocked.

There was a moment before the door opened, and staring them right in the faces was Light.

There was a silence.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Mello and Light chorused, leaving a bemused Matt to giggle.

"No, what are YOU doing here?!" they said, again overlapping each other exactly.

And L stuck his head around the door. "Oh, Mello. What is it?"

Light looked from the two back to L, then shrugged and went back into L's rooms.

"I need chocolate. Or else I may…die." explained the blonde, completely over-reacting and falling in a fake swoon, from which he looked up at L pleadingly.

"Oh dear. Give me a minute." L turned around, and went back to get something from a box…

And Matt's nose suddenly exploded.

L was wearing only a towel. Yes, you heard me right, a single Turkish cotton towel. Nice and fluffy, but the important thing is that was the _only thing_ that L, the best, most brilliant detective in the world, was wearing.

Mello's nose saw how much fun Matt's was having, and decided to join in.

When L turned around, there were two drooling teenagers staring at him with blood trickling down their faces. "Oh dear," he said, taking a step.

The towel slipped.

"OH, CRAP."

--

Matt and Mello fell down the stairs, knocking down several unfortunate kids in their way, until they skidded to a halt at the bottom, blowing Near's legs out from under him. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

Mello stood up, dusted himself off, and looked down at Matt, who was entangled with Near's limbs and the jump rope he'd been so _conveniently _playing with.

Near's face turned a light pink.

"Near? Y'okay?"

A trickle of blood ran down Near's face only to pool in his collar.

"Oh, great." sighed Matt, helping the sheep up.

--

"Mello, why do you insist on using tampons for curing nosebleeds?" asked Near, screwing up his face in an effort to loosen his nostrils, which were again corked by tampons borrowed from Lost and her roommate.

"Have you ever seen them in water?"

"…No, I can't say I have."

Mello took one of them and slung it in the sink. "Check it."

Near's eyes grew to epic proportions. "That's amazing."

"Tell me about it."

--

"Mello?" whispered Matt, nudging the chocoholic in the side.

"Hmnn?" he replied, annoyed.

"Did you…see it?"

"…Yeah."

"…"

"Hardcore, huh?"

"Shut up, Matt."

"Y'know…"

"…Is it about L?"

"No."

"Keep going, then."

"I really don't like that 'Light' guy."

"…Neither do I."

"Should we…?"

"Shells yes."

--

Raito stretched languidly in his computer chair, almost like a cat, and looked over at L. The detective was hard at work, as always. With a spoon filled with whipped cream in hand, he typed quickly into the laptop, intermittently licking the sweet stuff off of the spoon.

Raito grinned. He'd be licking whipped cream off of something _else_ soon enough.

--

Mello and Matt, accompanied by Near, who was only willing to go because it was Raito they were up against, crept slowly into L's bedroom from his bathroom. Mello had climbed up the tree that grew right next to Wammy's, found the window that led to the bathroom, then helped Matt and Near up. Matt had sprung the lock with some gizmo that he'd found, and they'd all none-too-gracefully fell into the bathroom with three soft thumps.

Mello found Raito's suitcase lying on the floor, closed. "Matt," he whispered. "Can you open that?"

"Shells yeah!" whispered back the gamer, who was already hard at work flicking the dials of the lock back and forth.

Near fidgeted nervously. "What if we get caught?"

"We won't." was the staunch answer.

"…Okay…"

Matt opened the suitcase triumphantly, then beckoned for Mello to hand him something-a sack. They shoveled all of Raito's clothes, even the underwear and socks, out of the suitcase and deposited everything into it. Near went back into the bathroom and came out, dragging another sack filled with Lost's frilliest dresses, some of Beyond Birthday's old jam-stained boxers, an assortment of Matt's shirts that had been burned and now smelled faintly of nicotine and explosives, and Mello's stash of maternity wear.

To be specific, maternity _leather._

They also took all but one set of L's clothes, which they put in the now-empty sack and schlepped out of the detective's room, into the bathroom, out the window, down the tree, and into the basement.

Stage one of torturing Raito Yagami was complete.

--

The next morning, Raito woke up after a rather disturbing dream involving muffins, Sherlock Holmes, opium, and mad hordes of fangirls chasing some random person. "Gya! Ry-Ryuzaki!"

"…gnnnnmghn."

Raito lay back on his pillows, who poofed in response to his heaviness.

_Just a dream. Okay. Dream. _

L sat up on the other side of the bed, stretched wearily, then pulled the chain tight between them and forced Raito over to the closet. "Hm," he said, regarding the single shirt and pair of pants hanging sullenly in front of him, "Must have been laundry day. Wow."

Raito, meanwhile, had opened his suitcase and nearly fell over in shock. _OH MY EFFING FANGIRL-SQUISHING GAWD. WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!_

His Banana Republic style had been vanquished. What was left were dresses, dirty shirts, dirtier jam-y boxers, and…_maternity leather_.

Raito kneeled on the floor and screamed bloody murder at the ceiling.

--

Down in the dining room, Matt, Mello, and Near smiled widely as they heard Raito's pained cry echo through the building.

"Point for us."

--

They were just going down the hallway to their room when they heard footsteps. "Hide!" whispered Mello, and the trio scooted across the hall to conceal themselves in a dark corner.

They nearly laughed their guts out.

Raito stalked down the hall, wearing a pair of Lost's frilly pantaloons, a leather maternity dress that made him look like some sort of overgrown showgirl, a pair of Beyond's boxers (that could clearly be seen through the pantaloons) and a thoroughly annoyed look on his face. Almost murderous.

L, trailing behind him, was about a millisecond away from laughing his face off.

Near couldn't stand the tension, and so pushed Optimus Prime right in front of Raito's foot.

It was just the work of a moment, a single step…

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!" screamed L, falling over to join Raito on the floor, tears of laughter pouring from his eyes.

Watari, running in to see what the matter was, saw L and immediately got a nosebleed.

There was a silence before L's crazed laughing resumed.

--

**OHHHHHHHH YES. **

**The maternity leather idea was taken from Hyura (on DeviantArt)'s doujinshi called Family Plan. Hilarious chibi MattxMello. Check it out.**

**This was really, really, really fun to write, so fun, in fact, that I think I might just abandon the Mello-torturing and make it now Raito-torturing.**

**But no. This will offend many reviewers. So I shall divvy out the horrors to mostly everyone. Yes, L will have some tortureage too. Mwahaha. **

"**Watashi wa Near desu" means "I'm Near." At least I think it does, but I'm probably wrong. I can read most katakana/hiragana, but I can't speak Japanese. **

**My sister just asked if L sleeps. **

…

**Thanks so much to all you reviewers, all the readers, all the people who randomly clicked on this fic and liked it. Pocky to you all.**

**Plot bunny overdose, though. Whoooooeee. Thanks for the thousands and thousands of ideas granted…**

**Hugs, Mello plushies, and small cats,**

**-blake-daisukeismyboyfriend-****黒川****-black river-**


	7. VII

**How To Torture Mello 7.**

**Jeez, seven chapters already. Aren't you guys getting sick of this? No?**

**Well, I got more reviews mentioning tampons and emus than I ever hope to get in my life. SWEETNESS, I tell you. And the plot bunnies used in this chapter leaped out hungry for brains and…stuff. So I gave them some Pocky and they agreed to help me write this chapter. Again, SWEETNESS. Or as Raito says, "Shweetness."**

**My little sister doesn't like L. Sacrilege.**

--

Raito never found his clothes, and forced L to go into town with him to buy a new set of Banana Republic suits, much to the reclusive detective's disdain.

Mello and Matt were disgusted by his choices.

Near didn't care.

--

A few days later, the dreadful duo was laying on their beds, staring at the ceiling which had now become home to an impressive array of electronic equipment. "…Wow." said Mello, staring at the ceiling, awed. "I guess they really think we're Public Enemy Numero Uno."

"Heyyyy…Mello?" drawled Matt, flipping over and regarding his roommate.

"What."

"Do you want to scar Near for life?"

"…" Mello had to think about this for all of, say, five seconds. "SHELLS YES."

But this was a plan that had to be thought out, so instead of doing it right then, Matt found a broom closet. "Hey…Mello?" he asked, blushing somewhat under his orange glasses.

"What."

"Ya wanna make out?"

"Sure. Why not?"

So they did.

Yes, really. They're very spontaneous people, you know.

They got a bit more intense than just kissing after a few seconds, and soon Mello was nipping up and down Matt's neck. The small closet began getting very…um, heated, in other words. ( AN: Lemon-writers can write a better scene here, but I am not a lemon-writer. Read on.)

Just as Mello (seme…) was gradually sliding his hand up Matt's shirt, there was a sudden burst of light, a scream, and a very red Lost was standing in the doorway. Red, of course, because she was blushing, and also because a waterfall of blood was pouring down her face, ruining the goth-loli dress she was wearing. "WHAT THE HELL?!" she screeched, trying not to stare. "I understand you guys have something_ between_ you, but can you NOT make out in my closet?!"

"…This is your closet?" said Matt, fixing his crooked goggles.

"YES!!"

"…Oh." replied Mello, re-zipping his leather vest and poking his crucifix back under it.

--

And after that episode (and watching Lost stick tampons up her nose, which made them happy) they finally figured out just how to get Near in the perfect position for lifetime scarring.

It involved a closet, a pedophilic Raito, and a lot of evil giggling coming from their room, which gave Roger nightmares for the next few days.

--

The alarm clock next to Near's bed read four in the morning as two shadows ghosted over the carpet and picked the sheep up. "Geez! He doesn't weigh much, does he?" asked Matt, who was lugging Near's legs.

"Yeah. Small bugger." replied Mello, pulling a black ski mask over his face before hoicking up the small boy.

They carted him up to L's rooms, where Matt picked the lock, then they ran (still carrying Near) over to Raito's closet (which had a lock on it). Matt sighed, fished out his kit, and picked the lock on that, too.

Finally, they stripped Near (Matt didn't watch, for fear of his nose bleeding all over the floor) and stuck him into the closet, making sure to lock the door after him.

Mission complete.

"Now all we have to wait for in the morning is the scream of anguish," said Mello, cackling.

"From who? Near or Raito?"

"Probably Near," pondered the blonde. "Raito's very pedophile-like."

"Fo sho."

--

They were right.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" yelled Near, desperately trying to cover up his nether regions as Raito opened the door.

"What am I going to we- GAH! L, why is there a naked orphan in my closet, this is really we- ooh, he's cute." supposed/yelled/said Raito, twisting his face in a very interesting variety of motions.

Near stood there, frozen in absolute fear, as Raito reached in. "RAPE!!" he yelled, then with a mighty SWOOSH sound, leapt and grabbed a pair of Raito's pants from a hanger, and ran out of the room.

Raito watched him go with a glazed look on his face. "…Aw _man_…"

--

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Did you just see…"

"…Nekkid Near? Streaking?!"

"Wooooooo…I'd have paid for that…"

"You perv."

--

Near had nightmares for three weeks after that.

--

The next day, Matt and Mello were called up to L's rooms by an evil-looking Roger, who cackled in glee as they marched up the stairs to their veritable doom.

"…If I die, you can have my secret stash of chocolate."

"If I die, you can have my PS 3. And my DS."

"Deal."

They walked in, smack into a very strange scene.

Raito was nowhere in sight, and L was standing over behind a dresser. "Come in." said the detective, who then walked out from behind the dresser…

And the two boy's noses exploded. L was only wearing a pair of silky black boxers with little "L"s on them. And it took the most self-control that either boy had not to jump him.

"Oh, sorry. Let me put some pants on."

And he did, along with his customary white T-shirt.

The boys had calmed down by now, so they wiped all the blood off their faces and sat in their indicated seats.

"Now," L began, looking very serious, "I understand that Near was put into Raito's closet, naked. And this is a very, very, VERY bad thing to do."

"How do you know it was us?" asked Mello brashly.

L held up a single chocolate bar wrapper.

"…oh…"

"I've thought of a suitable punishment, but I don't think you'll like it."

"…It's a punishment. We're not supposed to like it."

"…Right. Well, in any case…"

"Didn't you and Beyond do stuff like this too?!"

"…" L suddenly turned pink, then red, then his nose began dripping blood.

"…Holy crap. I just made L get a nosebleed."

"Boys, please go down to Roger's office…" whispered L, sneaking a glance down at his crotch.

"…Okay…"

--

Later that night, Raito couldn't understand why L was muttering random words that definitely had no business being spoken outside of a bedroom. "…uke…flattop…the clamps…jam…"

He also couldn't understand why, when he mentioned the handcuffs, L turned a furious red and refused to speak.

--

Matt and Mello were proud of their accomplishment.

"Hey, you know what? We made L get a nosebleed."

"How?!"

"We mentioned Beyond. Beyond Birthday, y'know? The old B."

"Yeah! Him? Wow…"

--

L had never been more embarrassed in his life.

Now every child in the orphanage knew his one weakness- Beyond- and were trying to exploit him, trying to get him to have a _NOSEBLEED_.

L did NOT get nosebleeds, as a rule.

Yet Mello and Matt had seen him spurt blood out of his nose, and MAN it was getting annoying to have every single kid in this goddamn Wammy's House yelling "Beyond" or "B" or even (yup, this did it for him) "Los Angeles BB Murder Cases".

L was mad.

And bad things happen when L gets mad.

--

Mello and Matt were in the middle of teaching Near an anti-rape song when Lost burst in the room.

"Hey, guys. Whatcha doin'?"

"Check this out," said Matt, pushing his goggles onto his forehead. "Ready, Near?"

The sheep nodded, and together they chanted "Eep! Don't touch me there! This is my personal square. R-A-P-E, get your hands away from me!"

Lost was speechless.

"Awesome, huh?"

"Boys are so weird," she muttered, turning around. "Even the cute ones."

--

The next morning, Raito was given a plate of scrambled eggs made by one of the orphans- _Matt_, he thought, thanking him- that was in the shape of the L insignia. "That was nice of him," he said out loud, to no one in particular.

L grunted.

"What's up with you?" asked Raito, taking a bite of the eggs.

L didn't say anything.

Raito suddenly sputtered, clutched his throat, and reached frantically for his water. "GAHH! SPICY!!"

--

"Owned," said Matt triumphantly, hiding under a table with Mello.

"So what did you put in there again?" asked the blonde, crunching a bar of chocolate as he spoke.

"Wasabi, habanero peppers, um, some hot sauce I found in the pantry, hot curry powder, powdered mustard…uh…some other stuff I can't remember…and ketchup."

"You're made of win, man."

They celebrated with a little make-out session, but seeing as they were under a table and every single orphan not at that table was obviously trying not to stare at them, it didn't last very long.

"You taste like…_Tabasco_." muttered Mello, wiping his lips.

"I know."

--

**Again, thanks sooooooooo much for your awesome reviews! You're all so amazing…**

**The last part of this chapter was so much fun to write. The R-A-P-E song is awesome, my friends and I randomly sing it at school and people stare at us. We don't really care.**

**I just had a brainwave/big thought- has anyone written a MelloHalle fic? It's a pretty plausible pairing, actually. And if you don't like shounen-ai, it's one of the only Mello pairings.**

**Enough babbling about me, your plot bunnies are fueling my creativity, and I'd like to add some more characters outside of Wammy's House (can you imagine Matsuda?! OHHH MAN!) and torture them, too. Maybe just Misa, since she can't stay away from Raito for too long.**

**Oh yeah, in case anyone doesn't know, Raito equals Light. (for some reason, the equals sign doesn't show up.)**

**Written while listening exhaustively to We Looked Like Giants and 405 (not the acoustic version, wows.)**

**MAHNAMEISBOBREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWPOCKYPOCKYTABLETSWOOOOOOHOOOOOSONG2YOURMOMMA!BURN!!**

**黒川 **


	8. VIII

How To Torture Mello 8

**How To Torture Mello 8.**

**Wow, 8 already. **

**The reviews that were heaped upon me squashed me for a few hours, until I gave them all strawberries and imaginary Pocky. Thank you all…and your plot bunnies were gnawing at my brains for the longest time. So here they are.**

**WOOT!**

--

Raito woke up, shuddered, and found that he couldn't go back to sleep.

He'd just had a very disturbing dream about Mikami Teru doing the Caramelldansen, which is enough to scare anyone out of their mind. So he got up, noting that the handcuff usually around his wrist was now chained to the headboard, and went over to the bathroom to wash his face.

He tripped on something halfway there. "Gah!" he muttered, catching himself before he did a total faceplant on the carpet, and picked up the object of his frustration.

It was a book.

A worn, torn, dog-eared book, with the title messily scrawled on the front.

"How To Torture Mello…" he read to himself, grinning. "This could come in handy."

--

L swore he heard an evil cackle from across the room.

_Five percent…_ he thought, eyeing the handcuff on his wrist.

--

Matt woke up, yawned contentedly, and sat back on his bed. "Mells…" he called over to the blonde-haired chocoholic, who groaned and turned over in response.

So Matt walked over and began to absent-mindedly pet his roommate's hair while fixing his goggles. "Mello, you've gotta get up. Get up. Geeeeet up."

"SHADDUP!" he yelled, furiously throwing a pillow in Matt's direction.

"Fine, don't have breakfast with me. I'll just make out with Near instead."

"YOU'LL _WHAT?!_"

--

They got dressed and staggered down to the mess hall, where the cook reprimanded Matt for using all her spices before finally giving them their preferred libations.

They walked over to the second table, chattering animatedly, and ran smack into Near, who was crouched on the floor playing with Legos.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" yelled Mello, getting up from the ground with a piece of bacon stuck in his hair, which he angrily pulled out. "GRAAHH! You and your stupid toys! Couldn't you wait until you got to the table?!"

A shadow fell over them.

"Hello, boys." said a smirking Raito, making both of them instantly think _KIRA!!_ and want to run away.

Which they tried to do, before easily being caught by the brunette. "I think that it's time we all had a little…chat."

Matt audibly gulped.

--

_Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap please god or whoever's up there SAVE MY SOUL from this evil guy! I don't want to die young! I've still got a life ahead of me! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!_

So went Mello's thoughts as Raito herded them up the steps to L's rooms, where he was staying. This was more like the "Walk Of Doom" that Roger was always threatening him with than anything that had ever happened to him.

Raito opened the double doors and let them walk in ahead of him. "Could you sit there, please?" he said, indicating two cushy chairs that were on the opposite side of a coffee table.

Mello glanced at Matt, who shrugged nervously. There was no way they were getting out of this one.

"I'm not here to punish you," said Raito, sitting down on the opposite sofa. "That's L's and Roger's department. I have no authority in that aspect, except to tell L. But I like you kids."

Mello kept a straight face while inwardly cackling his face off. _He thinks he LIKES us? Poor guy…_

And then Raito grinned that same grin that had made them both sweatdrop profusely. "You see, I have an advantage over you."

And he took out a book. A black-covered, dog-eared book with a simply scrawled title.

Mello took one look at it and nearly screamed bloody murder.

"So…if you boys choose to try to…er, stick another one of your collegues into my closet, there will be reciprocation. Just a warning." He smiled again, still making Matt and Mello want to claw at the walls in an attempt to get out.

Mello was speechless in terror.

--

After Raito sent them back down, the duo retreated warily to their room.

"THAT GUY!" yelled Matt, flinging his goggles off in a fit of rage. "WHAT DOES HE THINK HE'S _DOING?!_" He flolloped down onto his bed, and continued ranting. "I don't even know how he _got _that book in the first place! It was in he- …oh crap."

Mello looked over. "You had that book?"

Matt began to build a fortress of pillows around himself, cringing. "Yes. Near…he planted it in my closet somehow, and I found it…you know, when I switched your clothes-"

"Yes, I remember. That was the book?"

"…yeah." Matt said, still half-expecting an angry Mello rampage.

"So Raito, that creepy Kira dude, came in OUR ROOM! VIOLATION OF PERSONAL BUBBLAGE!!"

"You're right!"

--

That night, L crept into the foyer and opened the door for someone. "Welcome to Wammy's House, Misa-san."

"Oh, Ryuzaki, just call me Misa," answered the newcomer, who was decked out in fishnet stockings, a miniskirt, and a black camisole with innumerable necklaces dangling off of her neck. "All these kids…wow, it's going to be exciting in here!"

Little did she know that in Raito's room, things were already rather…exciting. Though not in the way that she thought.

--

"Pssst! Matt!"

"What?"

"Pass the pliers!"

"'Kay."

The duo had successfully broken into Raito's room, found the book, and made to leave…only to suddenly have a brainwave that Raito needed payback.

So now they were rapidly constructing a stink bomb to plant in the brunette's closet.

"Alright, the fuse is done. Are you sure we can detonate this from our room?"

"Have I ever been wrong in stuff like this?" asked Matt, turning skeptically to stare at Mello.

"Nope. Let's scoot."

And scoot they did, after Mello checked the entire apartment for so much as a molecule of chocolate.

--

"RAITO-KUUUUUUN!!"

"Hello, Misa."

Mello and Matt laid down on their beds, silently listening to the conversation upstairs. Before they'd left, they'd also installed a microphone in the air vent upstairs, and wired it to a pair of receivers in their room. It was a genius plan.

"So, Raito…are you going to get changed, or just stay around in your pajamas all day?" asked L, and Matt's hand tightened around the detonator.

There was a rustling sound- "Raito's up" mouthed Mello- and Matt, after waiting a second, pressed the button.

There was a dull boom.

"What was that?!" asked the girl's voice.

"Wait a second…" said Raito, as Matt and Mello turned off the receivers, and, mission complete, stalked off to breakfast.

--

L, Raito, and the mystery woman ran in, all holding their noses, to the great amusement of the orphans.

"Awesome," said Mello to Matt, who grinned, and was about to begin a make-out session when L stood up and cleared his throat.

"Er. Good morning," he said, looking over at the mystery woman and introducing her. "This is Misa Amane, she's a friend of mine and Raito-kun's fiancée."

There was a polite smattering of applause. L went on, "Er, early this morning, a stinkbomb detonated in Raito-kun's room…well, in his closet, actually. This was very, very, VERY bad. I'm trusting that whoever did it will confess to either me or Roger, but if no one steps up, then we'll have to punish all of you."

There was instant silence, followed by a huge uproar. "Why can't you use your detective skills?!" asked Windward, closely followed by Eldest, who shrieked something to the effect of "NOT FAIR" except with a lot more impolite words in between.

Mello and Matt were busy making out underneath the table.

--

Later that day, after lessons and lunch and other…stuff that Wammy's House kept confidential to outsiders (that means you, readers. Sorry.), Mello and Matt retreated to their room, only to be confronted by a very indignant sheep. They carried him in, set him down, and ordered, "Spill."

"…I have nothing to 'spill', I just want to congratulate you on the awesome stink-bombing job. And for getting my book back."

"WTFOMGTTYLBBQSTFULOLROFLLMAOPWPPCE!?" yelled Mello, making every texter within a thousand feet look up in terror.

"…I don't understand a word of that, but yes, I'm congratulating you. I can't make stinkbombs, you know."

"…" Matt's jaw was still hanging open, giving him the look of a goggled bulldog.

Near sighed, took his book, and left with a "Bye."

And Mello and Matt stared after him with glazed looks on their faces.

--

That night, Raito searched the entire room for _How To Torture Mello_. Twice.

And, mission failed, he screamed dementedly at the ceiling.

--

Near heard the pained scream coming from upstairs and smirked. Maybe being collegues with Mello was a good thing...especially when you got the benifits of hearing your greatest enemy scream his guts out over looking for a book. Life was good to the sheep.

**Woot woot woot!**

**Near is becoming a good guy…heaven forbid!  
Sorry about the uber-shortness of this chapter, I ran out of plot bunnies halfway through and started making a Weighted Companion Cube for my friend...yeah. Woo. ****This was one of those little filler chapters, but don't worry, next chapter will involve a nekkid Mello (muahahahahhahahahaha! And the fangirls go wild!), a blushing Near, many embarrassing run-ins with Misa, Raito's personal diary, RaitoxL, and…Watari dancing the Hula.**

**Thanks again to all reviewers, I can't thank you enough. **

**Kaze Kimizu- plot bunnies equal luvs. Not the diapers. Just a note, hint hint, wink wink. Y'know, if you want some yummies in Chapter 9.**

**Kiri No Maria- THANKS SO MUCH FOR TRANSLATING THIS!! OOOHHH MAN! I can't really speak Spanish, but I can read it, and from what I understand it's AWESOMENESS. -throws pocky in your direction- THANK YOUUUUU!!**

**Signingout…**

**-blakemckenzie-****黒川****- Daisukeismyboyfriend **


	9. IX

How To Torture Mello 9

**How To Torture Mello 9.**

**I promised nekkid Mello, didn't I? And I mustn't go back on my word.**

**We're over 100 reviews! Clap yourselves on the back, reviewers! Your plot bunnies and all-around reviewing shweetness helped this fic gather slight webfame! WOO!**

**In this chapter: Towel molestation, yes, a nekkid Mello, frankenfish, Near shaking his booty, cracky Misa Raito-molestation, and L's tub in all of it's jam-filled glory.**

**Enjoy.**

**(These chapters always seem to start with a "Character woke up…" don't they?!)**

--

Near woke up.

Today was a day that he'd been looking forward to for a few weeks.

Today was L's Unbirthday.

Of course, the sheep knew that usually people didn't _celebrate_ unbirthdays, since they were every single day of the year except your birth date, but L was special.

So Near got up, got dressed, and dragged one of Linda's old brushes through his hair impatiently. Yes, you read that right. Near was impatient.

And he was just about to go out of the door, Optimus Prime in hand, when Mello and Matt barged through and knocked him flat onto the bed. _Like a pancake,_ thought Near in a rare display of randomness.

"So, Near," said the blonde, who was busily opening a brand new bar of chocolate, which the sheep knew would be ripped to pieces and digested in a matter of seconds. "We're gonna pull a huge prank on Raito."

Near looked up at this. "Just Raito?"

"…" the pair shared a sideways glance, then Mello rolled his eyes and replied, "Yeah. Just Raito. Whatever."

Near didn't believe him, but it was safer for the sheep's sanity if he went along with the plan.

--

"RaitoraitoRaitoRaitoRaitoooooooooooooooooooooo!!" screamed one very excited teen model as she pounced on her "boyfriend." It was Misa, if you hadn't figured it out by that single sentence, and the poor pounce-ee was Raito, who was busy trying to type some Kira-related data into his laptop. "Misa-Misa wants to go see the orphans again! They were so kawaii!! RAIIIITOOOOOOOO!!"

This impressive display of exclamation points was met by a single "Hnnn."

"YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ME, RAITOOOO!!"

"Oh, sorry," replied the brunette, not lifting his eyes from the screen.

--

"What's for breakfast?" asked Matt, poking Near as he walked.

"Ow. Frankenfish. Stop poking me!" replied the sheep.

Matt stopped. "…Frankenfish?!"

"Yes. Frankenfish. Don't ask me anything about it, I don't know. Come on."

"…Frankenfish…?"

--

Meanwhile, Mello was busy taking a shower.

In the girl's bathroom, unfortunately.

He stepped out of the stall, shook his hair out luxuriously, then grabbed his fluffy white towel off of the rack beside him and dried himself off. "Nice," he muttered, wrapping it around his waist…

…and stepping out into a gaggle of goggle-eyed girls.

There was a long silence as everyone mentally raped Mello.

"GAHHHHHHHHH! TOWEL MOLESTATION!!" he yelled as he scurried out, leaving one important thing behind…

…the molested towel.

--

"Frankenfish. So this is what it looks like?" asked Matt, and Near was about to answer when a soggy tan-blonde streak ran over and cowered behind the redhead. "What's up, Mel- OH!!" said/yelled Matt as his brain finally registered the fact that his best friend was 1. Naked, and 2. standing right in front of him. Naked.

His nose exploded in a spurt that would have made an artillery captain proud. "HOLY CRAPOLAS, MELLO! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!" he yelled, running faster than he'd ever ran in his life to go find a tissue and a _very_ cold shower.

Mello grabbed Near and used him as a pair of human pants. "What the HELL, Mello! I'm not your pants! Get away from me! You're really acting stupid!"

--

A while later, Matt had successfully calmed down his raging hormones, Mello had found some clothes, Near had tried to erase the scarring memories of being pants from his mind, and they'd congregated in Mello and Matt's room to put the finishing touches on their plan. "Alright. Near, Raito's your department. I've got L, and Matt does the mystery lady- Misa. Got it?"

"Kinda."

"Better than nothin'."

--

L had had a long day.

First of all, he was angry at whatever horrid force had made his stash of cake, candy, donuts, fruit kabobs, and other oh-so-sugary treats disappear into thin air. He was so desperate, he'd have broken into Mello's stash even though he knew that Mello had a BB gun hidden somewhere in his room. Plus, it was his unbirthday, and he was pretty sure tat most of his orphans had completely forgotten.

The detective sighed, massaging the dark bags under his eyes as he thought. _A bath, _he reasoned, _is the best way to unwind. Definitely. _

So, with that conclusion in mind, he moseyed over to the bathroom, plugged the tub, turned the water on, and went to go get his duck. A thought struck him at that… why not get Raito as well? And with that in mind, he padded out of the room, forgetting about the waiting tub.

Mello peeped out from behind a convenient curtain.

Satisfied that L wasn't in the room, he crept over to the tub, turned the water off, unplugged the drain, and reached behind the toilet for something.

It was a huge bucket of jam, strawberry jam to be specific, with a lid on the top to keep it from being detected by ants, flies, and people. He opened the lid, hoicked it over to the tub, and poured the entire gooey, red mess into it.

There was a wonderful "GLOPP" noise.

--

Meanwhile, Matt was busy messing around with Misa's stuff. She and Raito were out on a date, so the redhead was free to mess around as he pleased.

He pushed his goggles up to his forehead, gritting his teeth in consternation as he picked an especially annoying lock. And after a few minutes of tense concentration, it hung loose, and he pulled Misa's closet doors open.

_Showtime,_ he thought, fingering the pair of scissors and the three cans of bright green spray paint in his pockets.

Oh no, he wasn't destroying anything. The closet was just a decoy. He rearranged some of the dresses and shirts, then took out a spray can and sprayed the inside of the doors with a crown symbol.

Then he turned his attention to the real task at hand- the bed.

Matt grinned an evil grin.

--

Again, meanwhile, Near skittered inside Raito's room, looked around cautiously to make absolutely sure that there was no evil Kira-esque brunette in sight, and sat down on the floor with a sigh.

He had no idea what he was going to do.

So after thinking for a few moments, he noticed Raito's slippers lying innocently underneath his bed.

An idea began to form in Near's agile mind.

--

Matt sprayed the finishing touches on the bed, then went into the bathroom, grabbed the bowl that he'd left on the sill, and mixed up some pudding (he brought that too) quickly.

Job done, he took the bowl over to the door, stood on a chair, and propped the bowl lightly on the edge. It'd only take a soft push for it to come crashing down on someone…

…He grinned before ducking out of the window.

--

They met up in Mello's room, chuckling quietly to themselves, until Raito's voice filtered into their earphones.

"Ah…" he said, along with a rustle –he'd sat down in his bed. "I'm pooped."

"As am I…I'm glad you showed me that footage," replied L with a sigh. "I'd better go run a bath…"

There was a silence.

"AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" screamed L's voice. "THERE'S JAM IN THE TUB!!"

--

Raito was up and running towards L when he realized that the detective had turned and was shooting him a glare that would have murdered lesser folk. "W-what?!"

"You did this, didn't you."

"Wha-?!" replied the brunette, utterly flabbergasted.

"You're obviously trying to get me to have a shower with you! For the last time, Raito, I do not like you in that way! Please quit your clumsy advances and STAY WITH MISA!"

Raito began to cry. "It wasn't me! I swear on my dad! It wasn't me!"

L froze mid-yell. "Oh…I'm sorry. Please stop crying…I'm sorry…" And with that, he leaned down, scooped some jam off of the tub and onto his finger. "Have some jam?"

Raito looked down at the proffered clump of confection sitting proudly on top of L's slender finger. "O-okay…" he said, licking it.

--

Misa walked into the hallway outside her room happily, totally unaware of the yaoi-fangirl-pleasing scene in the adjacent room, twirled around for no apparent reason, and opened the door.

SPLOT.

"GYAAAHHH!!" she yelled, clawing at the pudding that had now nestled itself all over her clothes, her hair, and her face. "AHHH! RAITO!!"

She managed to get most of the pudding off of her face using a convenient dishrag she found on the floor, and found her way to the bathroom.

After taking a shower, she wrapped her towel around herself and plodded wetly towards the closet. "Ah, clot-" she said, and stopped suddenly, suppressing a scream.

Her carefully organized closet was messed up. Completely ruined, in other words. And some hooligan had graffittied a crown on the inside of the door! In green!

Misa searched frantically for a miniskirt and shirt, which were luckily still there. As far as she could tell, all the clothes were still there.

She relaxed a little, and sunk down onto the bed.

Big mistake.

Instantly, a hydraulic engine underneath the mattress fired, sending it about three feet into the air with Misa on it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

--

Matt, Mello, and Near were busy laughing their butts off.

"Matt, I'm still wondering how you got that engine."

"…I have my ways."

--

Raito finally cleaned up the last of the jam, and was about to go over to Misa's room when he noticed that he'd lost track of his slippers.

He checked in his closet, under his suitcase, and nearly slapped himself in the forehead when he saw them sitting proudly under his bed.

He slipped them on, stood up…

…and his left foot shot out behind him, effectively squelching any notions of standing up from Raito's mind as he fell, smacking his face on the floor. "OW!" he yelled, kneeling and rubbing his face.

He decided to try again, and stood up.

This time his feet both decided to rebel against him, and flew in opposite directions, making Raito do a sort of pained half-split before falling over onto his side. "YEOWCH!"

He sat up, rubbing his head, and inspected the bottoms of his slippers. Some kid had superglued Matchbox cars to the bottom of them.

Raito began to growl.

--

The next morning, three very jovial orphans proudly swaggered over to their table, plates of food in hand. "We pwned them," said Matt, trying to do his "Victory Over Boss" dance with a piece of toast in his mouth and a jiggling pile of scrambled eggs in his hand.

As they sat down, the entire room became dead silent. "Crap!" muttered Mello through a mouthful of bagel, pulling down his two compadres to cower beneath the table.

"Good morning," they heard L say. He sounded a lot more tired than usual, and they knew exactly why. "Last night, someone pulled a series of pranks on my friends and I. I am very disappointed in you all, for letting someone get away with this. So…for the next three weeks…everyone has only half an hour of free play."

There was total uproar at this statement.

Mello, Matt, and Near looked at each other, nodded sagely, and crawled out of the cavernous room.

--

That night, Raito opened the door to his room, walked into the bathroom, took a shower, and began to do his hair…

…that is, until he noticed the bright purple graffiti on the wall behind him.

"What the…" he wondered, and then bothered to read it. "Your problems are caused by too much…_malaka_?!"

--

L read the graffiti later that night. "Malaka…" he muttered, trying to place it.

And suddenly his face went red. "…Beyond…"

Raito couldn't get another word out of him that night. L's lips were sealed, and if he heard another mention of Beyond Birthday he'd flood Wammy's house with his nosebleed.

Later that night, Raito found the book again.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

--

After a five-hour long impromptu techno rave session involving Near doing the Caramelldansen three times in a row (shaking his hips like Shakira in the process, I might add), Mello was pooped. He lay down on his bed, stared at the ceiling, and was almost asleep when he felt a very, very, bad premonition.

"Oh, gawd."

--

**Alrighty then! **

**For all of you who wanted Raito to have the notebook back, well, here ya go! I've got a good idea in mind…and Mello's going to be hopping mad…**

**Jam in the tub. I want a tub full of jam…and Near as my pants. Lolz.**

**WE HAVE OVER 100 REVIEWS!! Pocky! Cookies! Donuts! Kamui plushies! Hugs! You guys are über awesome for reviewing. You have my deepest bows.**

**Keep on reviewing, I'll keep on writing. I'm thinking I'm gonna go to about fifteen chapters, depending on if I get any newcomers to the bandwagon. **

**Thanks again, all readers/reviewers! You make my day!**


	10. X

How to Torture Mello 10

**How to Torture Mello 10.**

**Holy crapinskis, it's number 10 already. I'm very proud of myself for writing a non-completely-random story that's longer than what, seven chapters? Woo.**

**The reviews I got for the last chapter bowled me over and made me have to go buy some chocolate to calm myself down. The compliments…all reviewers, if I ever meet you at some animecon, be prepared to be tackleglomped. I'll be cosplaying as Matt, Mello, Near, or L… and I won't be wearing a wig. Hair dye is a gift of the gods.**

**So is Sigur Rós. Listening to Gobbledeegook over and over and over helped me write this chapter. I love Icelandic babbling. **

**Anyway, drabblings over, here's the moment you've all been waiting for…**

**RAITO'S REVENGE. Muahahahahahhaahah. He's going to attempt to beat the crap out of his smaller annoyances. I'm going to watch. **

--

If this was how Mello's days were going to start from now on, he was going to go and become a hermit in some faraway forest where fairies fluttered and small children frolicked in very cute manners.

The alarm clock continued to blare crazily, and the bucket of water that had just upended over the blonde's tanned face kept dripping. "MAAAAAAAAAATTT!!" he yelled, sitting up and beginning to swing his feet over the side of the bed.

He stopped just in time.

A huge vat of melted cheese (one of Mello's largest pet peeves) was lying happily on the floor in place of his slippers.

He muttered several R-rated obscenities, crawled off of the end of the bed, and found his slippers.

Matt was nowhere in sight, _probably off doing something random_, thought Mello with a sigh. Obviously it wasn't the gamer's fault, as Matt had no idea that Mello disliked cheese so much. He sighed, running his hands through his hair and letting it fall crazily back onto his face.

He walked over to Near's room, grumbling all the while, knocked on the door, and was answered by a yawning sheep. "G'mornin', Mello." he said, rubbing his eyes and beckoning the chocoholic inside.

Mello couldn't help admiring himself in the mirror by Near's bed. _I like this vest on me…I should get more…WHAT THE HELL?!_

The exclamation was directed to a newly-observed Sharpie mustache that proudly curled upon Mello's upper lip.

He whirled around. "NEAR! DID YOU DO THIS!?"

"…No, I don't think so." was the startled sheep's reply- he hadn't even noticed the moustache, but that was probably because he was busy rubbing his eyes.

Mello stormed out of the room. "It's Raito. I know it."

--

Raito cackled as he watched the irate blonde fly out of Near's room in a huff. He'd placed cameras in most of the orphan's rooms, as a precaution, and now this was his payback.

Torturing the chocoholic was the most fun Raito had ever had.

He laughed again as Misa tiptoed in. "Raito…what are you watching?"

He jumped. "Er…Teletubbies."

"Really? Those don't really look like Tinky-Winky, La-La, or Po…"

"Errr…uh…NEVERMIND!" he yelled, pushing the loudly protesting Misa out of the camera room.

He didn't notice that the camera stationed in Matt and Mello's room had gone black.

--

Matt eyed the duct-tape covered camera appreciatively. No light was getting into this thing, not after he'd used his "bug tracer" (given to him, incidentally, by the same people who got him the hydraulic engine. Matt has connections.) and found that the feed led straight to Raito's laptop.

"MELLO!" he called, putting his goggles back over his eyes. "It's clean."

The blonde warily stuck his (moustache-less) face around the bathroom door, then one leg, then another. He managed to make his way over to his bed before turning and asking Matt, "Did you check this?"

"Nope. Gimme a minute," replied the gamer, reaching into the closet and fishing out what looked like a souped-up metal detector.

Mello stared at it bug-eyed. "What _is_ that thing?"

"It's a combination metal detector, pH concentration finder, microscope, um…Geiger counter, electromagnet, electric circuit finder, thermometer, and…oh yeah, it has a spray paint head on it for graffiti." came the answer from the goggled boy, who was waving the device over the bedspread. "Aha!"

"What?!"

"Mousetraps. Six of 'em." He pressed a button on the machine and the bedspread lifted in the shape of a mousetrap. He dragged it out from under the blanket, un-pressed the button, then repeated the process five more times. "Gotcha, Raito." he said triumphantly, looking at the smallish pile of mousetraps at his feet.

"Anything else?" asked Mello anxiously.

"Eh…no, except that the pH of your bedspread is pretty close to the pH of sem-"

"SHUT UP."

--

That night at dinner, Raito wasn't surprised to see Mello give him a dirty look that would have at least bowled over lesser folk. He smiled back angelically in response.

And what made him happy was the small book under the table that he was currently scribbling his chicken scratches into. _Just as planned…_he thought, making L turn to him, alarmed at the insane Kira-like face he was making.

--

_Up by three percent…_ thought L with a shiver.

--

Mello had Matt try the food before he dug in.

"Do I really have to?" he asked, begging and pleading.

"Yes. You have the strongest stomach I know. You can drink an entire Red Bull in three seconds. You eat spaghetti with ketchup and cucumbers. You can do this."

Matt puffed out his chest, proud, and bravely took a bite.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"OH GAWD THIS IS _**SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!**_" he yelled suddenly, running out of the room and catapulting himself towards the bathroom.

Mello ran after him anxiously.

--

"You okay?" asked the blonde, patting Matt on the back.

"I'm fine, it wasn't even spicy."

"What?!"

"I was acting. Raito's probably expecting that you got the spicy plate."

"How'd you know which one was spicy?!"

Matt rolled his eyes. "Mah detector thingy."

"Well then, who got it?"

Matt smiled. "Strype."

--

Strype, ranked number 8, real name Sana Miyonku, took a bite of his oh-so-delicious-looking brownie.

He chewed, chewed, and was about to swallow when…

"**GYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!**"

--

_Not as planned, _thought Raito with a sigh, crossing out the appropriate line on the book.

--

Mello sighed in relief. "Alright. So now we know that Raito is trying to either murder me or try to drive me crazy with that book. Which is why you're here, Near."

The sheep in question looked up from his Legos. They were currently bunkered in Mello's room, which Matt had triple-deadlocked, set up security cameras on all windows and air vents, and booby-trapped the hell out of. "I only wrote about fifteen different pranks in there, you know," he said, snapping a yellow piece onto his newest creation. "The rest is all blab."

"Alright," answered Mello, sitting (carefully) onto his bed, followed by Matt and his strange detector thingy. "Anything we should be really careful about?"

Near was silent for a moment. "Your chocolate."

"…"

"He might try to steal it or…something."

Mello laughed. "He doesn't know what I'm like without my chocolate, does he?"

The gamer next to him shivered. "Don't remind me."

--

Three days later, Raito skipped happily up to his room clutching a bag containing every single chocolate bar in Mello's room. He'd spent a good three hours digging them all out, and when he was satisfied that there was no other place to stash something as big as a chocolate bar, he'd considered himself done.

So he plopped the bag onto one of the sofas in his room, shut the door, and settled in to watch the fun.

--

Matt had undone the duct tape on the CCT camera the night before, knowing Raito would be suspicious if suddenly there was no feed.

"Ready?" he signed to Mello silently. They'd learned sign language a few years back, knowing that it was the sort of thing that could get them out of trouble in a tight situation.

Mello signed back "Yes. But I'm really craving chocolate…"

"I know."

And so their charade began.

Matt "woke up" first, made a big show out of waking Mello up and retreated to the bathroom while Mello got ready.

He sat up, yawned, and reached over to his bedside table for his daily chocolate. He grabbed thin air, looked over to see that yes, there was indeed no chocolate (as he already knew, but…) and yelled over, "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT! WHERE'S MAH CHOCOLATE?!"

Matt stuck his soggy head around the corner and replied, "I don't know. Find it yourself, dumbass."

Mello sighed, as per the script, then proceeded to check every single spot he'd hidden chocolate, except for the three places that Raito hadn't gotten to- he wasn't going to let Raito think he'd failed.

Yet.

They both got dressed, then Roger rapped on their door with his cane and yelled his old adage. "GET UP!! SEIZE THE DAY OR THE DAY WILL SEIZE YOU!"

And with a simple slam of the door, they were out of Raito's scrutiny.

--

Raito got up and did a little happy dance.

"Light-kun, it's breakfast time," called L, sticking his hedgehog-y mop around the doorframe.

"I'm coming."

--

"Here he comes," said Mello to his goggled compadre as their antagonist appeared through the double doors.

They sat with Near at the same table that Raito had seen them at, eating normally and acting like nothing was wrong.

Nothing _was_ wrong, in fact everything was just hunky-dory, seeing as Mello had had at least six bars of chocolate in the time it took to get to the dining hall. He had more than one trick up his sleeves, but that was something that Raito could puzzle over. It was time for the plan to begin.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" yelled Mello, jumping up onto the table and scattering plates everywhere.

"W-what's wrong?!" asked some poor unfortunate orphan, quivering so hard that his socks looked like they might just about fall off of his tiny feet.

Mello grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him up. "I NEED MAH CHOCOLATE!!"

Of course, neither L nor Raito saw the tiny grin and wink he gave the kid before throwing him down.

And so began Mello's mad rampage.

--

By the time that Roger, Watari, and L managed to corral the chocoholic, he'd pretty much bulldozed through the entire House and wreaked havoc on basically anything within his reach.

"Does anyone have a chocolate bar?!" called L, eyes wide and struggling with Mello.

A few timid hands went up, but Raito was quicker- he'd gone up to his room and gotten out the bag. "Here. I have some."

The first three were gone faster than Raito thought was possible. _Good gosh,_ he thought, trembling somewhat. _This was NOT a good idea. I'd better put his chocolate back..._

--

And so, once Mello had calmed down and after he got the sternest lecture Roger had ever had the pleasure of giving, he returned to his room.

"So?" asked Matt, lying on his bed, DS in hand. "Success?"

Mello checked under his bed for the telltale golden wrappers. "Yup."

They replaced the duct tape on the camera and staged a makeout session right there.

A few girls brought in some popcorn and watched.

--

Raito threw the book out of the window, disgusted at the less-than-awesome results it had given him.

It hit a certain sheepy someone on the head.

--

"You got it back?!"

"Yes."

"AWESOME, NEAR! CHEST-BUMP!!"

"…"

"…"

"…I'll take that as a no."

--

**Ah! Yes! That was fun. Heck yes, that was fun. I'm very happy about this chapter…**

**I want one of those combination metal detector thingies. And Near. As my pants.**

**Still laughing about that…**

**This chapter was written with the help of Gobbledigook by Sigur Rós. **

**Thank you, Iceland.**

**And thank you, reviewers. –gives lots of Pocky and Ichigo plushies- Plot bunnies make me happy…please send them, particularly ones that chew on your brain for a while until you write them. I'm like Shigure. I needs mah takoyaki to write…but instead of the octopus treat, I'm a English muffin monster. Wait…**

-blakemckenzie-黒川-black river-


	11. XI

How to Torture Mello 11

**How to Torture Mello 11.**

**Holy crapinskys, the reviews that you all churned out made me do the Caramelldansen right there, sitting at the computer desk. The plot bunnies were many and hilarious, and I'm sorry for the delay, 'cos mah dad forbade me from going on the computer for a week. Bleh.**

**Also, due to the recent influx of reviews, I'm going to be updating Gangster Genius more often. I kinda forgot about it…yeah, I'm sorry. I don't remember these things.**

**So! Onward ho…**

**IN THIS CHAPTER:**

**More nekkid Mello; Jam and L; Raito on a water bed; Misa being stupid; Spongebob underwear.**

--

The water in the shower turned off with a _thunk _of the knob, the door opened, and Mello toweled off with a sigh. It had been three weeks since the "chocolate rampage incident", and for a while now, Wammy's House hadn't been plagued by random bouts of Light torturing, and the reason was beginning to get on his nerves.

Final exams.

The very sound of the two words were enough to send shivers through his spine. Finals at the House weren't your ordinary, namby-pamby finals. These were monster finals, capable of making even the most hardened orphan break out in tears mid-essay.

Today was the last exam of the semester, English, and Mello was looking forward to it with a vengeance. English was one of the only things that he'd ever beat Near at, and originally being from Germany, Mello was able to rub it in the sheep's face.

He sighed again, wrapped the towel around his skinny hips, and waddled over to the door that led to his room.

--

Matt woke up to the lovely sight of Mello in a towel, which put him in a good mood for the rest of the day. "Well, good mornin'!" he exclaimed, sitting up and reaching for his goggles on the bedside table.

Mello turned around. "Mnnnngh."

"Well, it's nice to see that you're up," replied the gamer, mentally taking pictures of the blonde, who was now struggling to put his boxers on while holding up the towel at the same time. "Uh, y'know, Mello…we're both guys…"

Mello looked up. "NO WAY am I going to let you see me in all mah nekkid glory."

"…Fine."

He finished putting his boxers on, dropped the towel, and began hoicking a pair of jeans up his legs.

"Are those…" came the inevitable comment from Matt.

"Yes, they're girl jeans. Leave me alone, they're the only ones that fit."

There was a patter of feet from behind him, and Mello turned around to see Matt disappear into the bathroom, blood dripping from his nose.

He sighed and pulled his shirt over his head.

--

The tension at breakfast was almost too much for Near, and he wove through countless kids frantically looking up last-minute definitions for the test. "GAH! Who knows what 'pilious' means?!" screeched Lost, a mask of pure terror on her face, pale from lack of sleep.

A voice came from above them. "It means covered in hair," said Raito, the obvious owner of said voice.

Lost turned pink. "Th-thank you!"

Near rolled his eyes, and walked over to where Matt and Mello were lounging, no books, pens, or papers in sight. "Hey, Near!" said the gamer, holding out a proffered high-five. "What's poppin', man?"

Mello smacked him. "Don't say that."

"WHAT'S POPPIN'?!"

Smack.

Near took a deep breath and began digging into his food, for once eager to finish in time for the test.

"So, Near…after the test, you wanna help us do some Raito Torture Time?"

He looked up. "Are you inviting me to prank Raito once again?"

"Well, yeah, if you're willing. Of course, you're too lame to want to, aren't yo-"

"I'll help."

This shut Mello up for a few minutes. "Alright then…"

--

SAMPLE QUESTION:

Graph the following sentence:  
Archie, the canine compadre of Alchemy Street, rode over the long rose bush, the short rose bush, and the tall thingamajig; these were all just magical ways to disguise the four fish stick stands, which were: Alpha, Beta, and Gamma.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

--

After three solid hours of insanely hard questioning, the orphans were finally released from their grammatical prison and let loose outside.

"Good GOD." said Matt, flolloping heavily onto a couch. "That was just…brutal."

"I concur," replied the blonde, tearing off huge chunks of his chocolate as he spoke. "Alright. Let's go plannify."

Near raised his hand. "Mello…"

"What?! Don't raise your hand at me, I'm not your frickin' teacher…"

"Can we do something?"

"What?"

Near whispered something into Mello's ear. A grin suddenly spread across the chocoholic's face, a grin that would scare small children and give the Cheshire Cat a run for it's money. "HELL YES."

--

Raito had had a long day, going over long tapes of security footage in prisons to try to see a pattern to Kira's killings, and all the while telling Misa that he was just watching "Cops" or "Reno 911". Misa seemed convinced, which worried Raito somewhat.

He sank down gratefully onto his bed…

…and landed on hard springs. "OWCH!"

He put his hand on the bed, carefully, and it seemed there was nothing wrong with it. _Hmm…What's with this? A water bed? It wasn't a water bed before…_

It took him about ten seconds to get it.

"DAMN YOU MELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

--

Mello heard the scream of anguish and smiled. This, he could get used to.

--

L sunk gratefully onto a couch, sprawling out normally instead of sitting like usual. He didn't need to think right now, especially after grading thirty-eight English tests in thirty minutes flat.

He needed a bath.

L's selective memory stopped him from remembering what happened last time he had a bath and the jammy incident that followed, so he staggered over to the bathroom…

…and screamed at a pitch usually reserved for calling dogs. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Yes, there was jam in the tub. There was also jam all over the rest of the bathroom, too. There was jam everywhere; and just the smell of the sticky treat made L's nose twinge a little, threatening to bleed.

He turned out of the bathroom, looked over on a convenient table…which just _happened_ to have a nice picture of Beyond sitting proudly on it.

His nose began dripping scarlet.

--

That night, two very disgruntled coworkers sat on the couch before dinner. "Good god, Ryuzaki. What's with those kids?!" asked Raito, exasperated beyond belief.

"I do not know," replied the detective, trying to shield various jam-y fantasies from the more perverted part of his mind. "But I suspect it has to do with Mello and Matt. They don't seem to like you very much."

"No duh."

There was a sudden scream. "RAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" cried Misa, running in dressed in a bathrobe. "They took all my lingerie and replaced it with Spongebob underwear!!"

And with this gallant complaint, she burst into hysterical weeping.

--

Matt had a long talk with Lost before dinner that night.

"So are you willing to do it?"

"Uh, yeah. What's mah payment?"

"…You know that Misa chick?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"We stole all her lingerie. You can have it."

Lost's eyes bulged out. "No frickinidy way."

"Shells yeah, if you do it."

"…Deal."

They spit on their palms, shook, and the deal was sealed.

"So…what was that about?!" asked Near, utterly confused for the first time in his life.

"Oh, Lost's going to attempt to seduce that Raito guy."

"NO WAI."

"Yes way. Dinner."

--

They had never been more entertained.

"Er…Raito?" twittered Lost, batting her sparkly eyelashes and being a total girly-girl. "Could you help me with something?"

"…Um…yes…?" he said, as she dragged him off to the table.

"What're they doing!?" whispered Matt, trying to see but blocked by Mello's head, Near's sheepy wool, and various cameras whose contents were bound for Youtube.

"It's hilarity beyond description," managed to choke out Mello, whose face was turning red from suppressed laughter.

--

Later that day, Matt was busy reviewing videos of Raito's hilarious "I LUV CHIPS" face, Mello was staring at the ceiling and eating his chocolate while listening to alternative metal, and Near was attempting to cut a long string of paper bananas.

The silence was broken by Matt, who jumped up and yelled something along the lines of "OHEMGEE!!ALDJFAIRWTBEJIFDHN!!" and ran out of the door.

"…What the…?"

He came back after a few minutes, smiling widely with a black Sharpie in his hand.

"We," he said, beginning to scribble something on their Xbox fishbowl, "are going to name things."

Mello looked at him like he was insane. "What?!"

"Okay, for an example…this fishbowl/gaming platform. It's-scuse me, her- name is Sheryl."

"…"

"And your foot," he continued, grabbing the wildly squirming Near's leg, "is named Slartibartfast." He Sharpied said name onto Near's skin, and let the sheep plop down on the floor.

"What the hell are you _on?!_"

Matt pointed to the monitor, grinning. "Well, I was reading this blog about a guy at a Renaissance Faire who named his nipples. I was in awe."

"Hannah rocks," Near said, while twirling his hair.

"Well, that was random. Anyway, Matt…YOU ARE CRAZY. Let's go name Raito's feet."

"SHWEETNESS!!"

--

They passed Lost and Raito on the way over to the door outside.

"YES!" Lost yelled, thrusting her arms up triumphantly. "Thirty-four pieces of chewed bubblegum in…thirty seconds. That's gotta be a world record."

Raito eyed the impressive pile of gum appreciatively. "Indeed."

Neither of them noticed when Near took the whole pile, wrapped it in plastic wrap, and stuck it in his pocket.

--

After naming everything they could think of (even six individual eyelashes on Near, who were, respectively; Jonas, Errol, Iminagen, Sasuke, Peachface, and Creamsicle), Matt and Mello set off to go think of some more ways to torture their archnemisis.

Near was left up to his own devices, and he knew just what he was going to do to the poor brunette.

--

"Okay," whispered Matt, a ski mask on over his goggled mug, bottle of Nutella in hand. "Ready?"

Mello nodded.

They crept out from behind the dresser in L's room, and as Mello kept watch, Matt raided the underwear drawer with a practiced hand. "Gotcha!" he whispered, holding up a pair of boxers with little hearts on them. "Now…" he muttered, scooping handfuls of the yummy hazelnut stuff out of the jar and spreading it all over the fabric.

"Okay, I'm done," he whispered to Mello, who nodded and proceeded to get rid of every other pair of undies by sticking them in another sack that he'd somehow found.

They crept out of the room just as they heard L's low voice say, "I'm going to take a shower, Raito-kun."

--

Misa swore she heard some strange sounds coming from the bathroom that day.

--

L came out of the shower, towel wrapped around his waist, and opened the dresser drawer. "Hm…" he muttered, staring at the lone pair of boxers sitting innocently in the drawer. "I guess tomorrow's laundry day…"

He pulled them up…and suddenly felt a _squoosh_ against his nether regions. "WTF?!" he yelled, doing a strange kind of "get it the hell off of me" jig and squirming like a cat in a bag.

"Ryuzaki?!" yelled Raito, running in to the very hilariously nosebleed-inducing sight of L doing a strange kind of dance in his boxers. "What's wrong?! Did you sit do-"

"SOMEONE PUT STUFF IN MY BOXERS!!"

"…" Raito was silent for a moment, pondering whether or not Mello could sink so low.

L ran into the bathroom, there was a sound of something wet plolloping into the tub, and suddenly L yelled "NUTELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

--

Mello grinned when he heard L's cry. "Ah, sweet success."

--

The sheep, meanwhile, was busy sneaking into Misa's room.

He finally crawled in from the window, landed with a soft thump on the floor, and skittered over to the bed.

He peeked into one of the pillowcases, deemed it safe, and slid the big squishy blob of gum out of his pocket.

He stuck the gum all over the pillow, then used some tape to stick plastic wrap onto the underside of the pillow above it.

Near suddenly felt like laughing insanely. "Heheheh. Heh. Wooo…"

--

"Yo, pass me Lucille," said Matt, and Mello threw the saltshaker, which had been Sharpied with its name, over to him. "Thanks."

"Hey…have ya seen the sheep?" asked the blonde, poking his chicken a la king hesitantly.

"Eh, no."

Mello took a quick gander- Lost was up at Raito's table, chattering excitedly and being as flirtatious as a 12-year-old can be, Core was busy teaching a group of smaller orphans the joys of stuffed lions, Kazahaya was poking Crane in the face while yelling "HABLAHAHAHA!" for some reason- but there was no sheep.

"He's probably just skipping out on dinner," reassured Matt, but Mello knew something was up.

--

"Hey, Raito?"

"…Did I give you permission to call me by my first name?"

"No, but I love you SOOO much. So now you're Raito. Anyway, have you ever heard of Near and Mello? They're SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO awesome. They're, like, the Jonas Brothers times, like, thirty! OH EM GEE!!"

Lost continued on, oblivious to the twitching that Raito's eye was doing.

--

"NEAR! You're alive!" yelled Matt, running over and tackleglomping the sheep.

"Yes, I'm alive. I haven't died yet."

Mello crunched his chocolate. "So…what were you doing."

"Let's just say it involved thirty-four pieces of bubblegum."

"…You're awesome."

--

Misa woke up the next morning with a pillow stuck to her hair.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

--

"Pwned," said Matt, in the midst of getting his thirtieth A+ on DDR.

Near, next to him and fitfully trying to find the right arrow on the mat, nodded in reply.

--

**My sister wrote one sentence in this story. Her name is Hannah. Guess which sentence?**

**Ahhahaha…Kaze Kimizu, I'm sooooo glad that you finally let out the festering plotbunnies, they grabbed my brain and wouldn't let go. Note the Core cameo…I cried…Paius Philos is just…-dissolves into hysterical tearage-**

**Aaaanyway. I finished most of the dares…Nekkid Mello with Nekkid Matt will come. Eventually. Maybe. Er…perhaps.**

**Thankies, reviewers! More Pocky, some edamame (I AM AN EDAMAME MONSTER. Srsly.) and a plushie of your choice. Wooooo.**

**I has a blog now, it's my "homepage" thing on my profile, or if you're too lazy and don't mind copying this down:**

**www. suckparsley.blogspot. com**

**Woo.**

**Next chapter's going to be written much sooner than this one was. Gomennasai…**

**blakemckenzie.kurokawa.blackriver **


	12. XII

**How To Torture Mello 12.**

**HOLY CRAPINSKYS, peoples! 12 chapters of this! And something like 170 reviews! –basks in happiness- **

**Ohhhhh, the plot bunnies. I give extreme luvs to everyone who gave me one, because they made me run off and want to write/draw a crackish comic. Oh, I'm happy. **

**I'm considering extending this to twenty chapters…but I don't know, since eventually there will have to be some sort of plot thing that I can just say, "Okay…and it ends. Cut."**

**But no. **

**Well, I'll deal with that later, so onward ho…**

**IN THIS CHAPITRE!:  
Nekkid Mello and nekkid Matt, Near with a nosebleed, malaka, L in a very compromising situation, and lingerie.**

**(you'd better review for the nekkid stuffs!)**

--

It had been a late night for Matt and Mello, first playing DDR 'till no amount of Red Bull could revitalize them, then realizing with a fair amount of shock that, yes, they still had something to do the next morning, namely, the graduation ceremony.

So now they were in the bathroom, taking a shower. Not together, of course, because they had enough modesty not to do anything like _that_…or at least they thought.

Matt finished first, and he pulled the curtain aside and reached for…

…nothing.

"Hmmm?" he muttered, squinting (he really did have bad vision) and feeling around for the missing towel that he'd put there.

Or at least _thought_ he'd put there. "Ah, crap…MELLO!!" he yelled, shaking his hair dry and pulling his goggles (which were still where he'd put them, mysteriously) onto his face so he could see better.

The towel was nowhere in sight.

A very wet Mello plodded round the corner, towel up around his waist. "What is it Ma—oh."

Matt blushed, embarrassed, and so did Mello, a hundred different fantasies involving Matt rushing through his brain.

He shook them off hurriedly, and brought his focus back to the wet, shivering Matt, who was now hiding behind a shower curtain. "No towel?"

"Nien," replied the redhead, shaking his head, "and we're out of clean ones too."

"Well, that's just _dandy_." Mello muttered half-under-his-breath, and took a bite of the slightly melted chocolate drooping in his hand.

A thought struck him. "If you want, we could…um…share…"

"Share towels?" asked Matt incredulously.

"…yeah…"

"Okay."

Mello looked up. "Really? You're willing?"

"Yeah."

So with a kind of ungainly shuffle, Mello staggered over and wrapped the towel around Matt, too. "Let's- let's go."

They waddled over to the door and were about to push it open when…

…a certain sheepy someone came through.

There was a long moment of silence.

Near began to blush, pink then bright scarlet, and then, suddenly as the towel slipped and Matt lunged for the corner, Near's head flew back and his nose began to spurt blood.

"Well, that's just fantastic."

--

Raito had never imagined that the same plan the bratty kids had used on him had worked on them. They were supposed to be geniuses, weren't they?

Life was too good to him, he thought.

--

Surprisingly, the graduation ceremony passed without a hitch, making Roger euphorically happy until Matt randomly burst out in the Sailor Moon theme song when the third-years went up to get their new badges. Yes, badges.

This turned into a wild goose chase, which turned into various pictures of Mello and Matt making out that the fangirls would treasure for the rest of their lives.

There was also a fairly good cake, but L wasn't there to enjoy it.

Neither was Raito, for that matter.

--

L was in a bad mood.

When L is in bad moods, heads tend to roll and small children tend to run to their mothers.

You have to pity the poor children of the Wammy's House. They had no mothers to shelter them from the wrath of L.

So it was with this attitude that our favorite black-haired detective stomped down the halls. "Grnnnabgjhg…" he muttered, scaring Core and his small attaché of munchkins. They scurried off whispering loudly, but L had no interest in them.

Gradually, his wandering feet took him to the playroom, where Near was at work building another gigantic masterpiece out of multicoloured Legos.

And twirling his hair.

L growled. Near's hair twirling was his only habit that really got on L's nerves. The countless (and expensive) toys? No matter, other children used them, and they didn't usually get broken. The strange sitting? L did it too, he didn't mind.

But oh, the hair curling.

Hour after hour, the finger twirling around the lock of curly white fluff, never stopping, almost hypnotic. A huge distraction.

And so L, fueled by lack of sleep and lack of sugar and general grumpiness, slapped Near's hand away from that _absolutely infuriating curl._

--

Near's head jerked up.

"What…?" he asked no one in particular, staring at his now-unoccupied left hand, which, until recently, had been having a marvelous time twirling away.

A very angry L met his gaze. "Oh."

"Would you _quit,_" said L, calmly as ever but with a definite sharp edge in his voice, "twirling your hair like that?"

"…But why?" replied the sheep, kinda-sorta-knowing that this would piss L off more, "You've never said anything about it before."

You could hear the small "ping" as the last thread of L's sanity finally gave up and broke.

"IT INFURIATES ME!! HOW THE HECK CAN YOU GO ON FOR SO LONG JUST TWIRLING…AND TWIRLING…AND TWIRLING…OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN?! I CAN DEAL WITH EVERYTHING ELSE, JUST PLEASE…_STOP…THAT…INFERNAL…HAIR…CURLINGTHINGY_!!"

Near picked himself back up off the ground, where L's rant had left him blown over.

"O-o-okay."

--

Mello and Matt managed to get through the rest of the morning without somehow ending up in a compromising situation.

Of course, that was just until lunch.

Matt had some "techy stuff" (as Mello called it) to do, so Mello was left alone, in his room.

So, with the memory of Matt that morning fresh in his mind, he unzipped his fly and…

Near burst in the door, practically sobbing.

"GAHH! NEAR! Can't you knock?!"shrieked the blonde, blushing furiously and zipping his pants back up hurriedly.

"…I'm sorry…just…just…"

"What?"

"L yelled at meeeee!!" wailed the sheep, falling onto his stomach and flailing on the soft carpet.

Mello's face froze.

_L yelled at Near? What for? His test scores are still higher than mine…I wonder what happened? Strange, L must be in a mood or something…_

"Why?" he managed to say after all that internal monologue.

"I-I…"

"Yes?"

"I was t-twirling my h-hair. And he…he slapped my hand." And with that, the sheep broke into tears.

"…"

…_L's angry._

--

So of course they had to get revenge.

Matt was found, dragged forcibly to their room after it was revealed that the "techy stuff" he was doing was really playing Super Mario Galaxy.

Mello laid out the plan.

It would require nerves of steel, heaps of courage, willingness to be punished in the event of failure, and confidence around plastic wrap and soldering guns.

They began to move.

--

Later that night, Raito excused himself from the computer banks and walked over to the bathroom.

"EEEEEEEEEEEAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!! OH, _EW_! EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW!!"

L rushed in. "What's wron- _ew_."

--

"Saran Wrap is a beautiful thing," muttered Mello to Near as they watched Matt figure out the final stages of their plan.

--

Raito knew exactly who had done this, and he stormed downstairs, bowling over any poor child stupid enough to get in his way.

"WHERE ARE MELLO AND MATT?!" he yelled, opening the dining room doors and causing instant silence.

Lost stood up. "We don't know. Do you want some homefries?"

"NOW IS NOT THE TIME!"

"But I thought you loved me!!"

"…I'm sorry, but you're too young for me. Plus, I already have a girlfriend. Tough luck, kid."

And with that, Raito continued rampaging through the halls on his mission to find and _kill_ Matt and Mello.

--

L sighed.

Stupid Raito…he'd never find them, the orphans had ways of hiding themselves that even L didn't know.

So he walked over to his dresser, opened up the top compartment and dug through the clothes until he found what he was looking for- his safe.

This was no ordinary safe, however. This safe was Swiss-made, perfectly adjusted and oiled, and contained thirty pounds of the best Liquorice Allsorts, three pounds of French pastries, and five pounds of assorted sweets that he'd found all over the world.

It was his treasure trove.

He typed in the right combination on the keypad, waited for the display to show "OPEN", but nothing happened.

The safe gave a warning beep.

L was confused. He'd just opened it yesterday, using the exact same combination he'd just punched in.

Realization hit him like a slap to the face. "DAAAAAAAAAAMNNNNNNN YOUUUUU MELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

--

Near was allowed to twirl his hair as much as he wanted after that incident, and Matt grudgingly told L the new combination to his safe, giving L the warning that if he tried to mess with one of their habits again, Matt would switch it again. They were given a long, stern talk by Roger, who really enjoyed being able to try out all his new lectures on them.

Raito was found passed out on the floor in the far east wing, where the very first orphans had lived.

--

A few days later, Lost stormed in the room with the angriest look Mello had ever seen on a girl plastered across her face. "What's up?" he asked, looking up from his Calculus homework and taking his earphones off.

"Where's Matt?!" she thundered, and Mello pointed soundlessly to the bathroom.

Lost stalked over to the door, wrenched it open, revealing a very surprised/embarrassed Matt just zipping up his fly, and yelled, "GIVE ME THAT LINGERIE LIKE YOU PROMISED!!"

Matt fell over from the force of the yell. "Ookay. Okay," he pleaded, holding his hands up in a futile attempt to calm Lost down. He reached under the bed, pulled out a rumpled bag, and threw it over to her.

She looked in, and instantly her face went euphoric. "UAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! THANK YOU MATT!!" she yelled, and ran over to plant a somewhat sticky kiss on his cheek before running out of the room giggling hysterically in glee.

"…" Matt rubbed his cheek hesitantly.

"Wow. A single peck from _her, _and you're all lovey-dovey. A makeout session from me…and-," Mello started, but was cut off by Matt's lips being forcibly placed on his mouth.

Near came in, saw what was happening, and ran out faster than he thought his sheepy legs could carry him.

And the fangirls came back for some more entertainment, bringing some video-cameras with them this time too.

--

L and Raito reconciled and had a nice…um…afternoon nap, telling Misa to go shop somewhere.

She did, came back early toting three large bags full of new lingerie, and was about to open the bedroom door when she heard a low moan.

"..."

She pressed her ear to the door, lingerie forgotten, and suddenly someone whispered, "Does it hurt?"

Another voice replied, "Not too badly."

Misa shrugged. They were probably just practicing acupuncture or something scientific like that to get rid of the stress.

--

Matt was busy doing his "Victory Over Boss" dance when Mello came in with a bag. "Hey, Mells," the gamer said, waving and then going right back to Super Mario Galaxy.

"Hey." replied Mello, unloading what looked like fireworks out of the bag. Matt turned around. "Are those-"

"Yep."

"Are we gonna-"

"Yep."

"Cool."

--

**Hohohohoho! I'm evil, leaving a cliffy like this!**

**Anyway…**

**Another Core cameo…if any of you haven't read Paius Philos, read it now. It will scare you, but oh, god, is it good. It made me cry. Multiple times.**

**So, I'm going on vacation in August, yay, but I won't be able to update then. So there will be about a week's hiatus later on. Don't fret. I'll make up for it by writing a super-duper long chapter. (Does anyone even say super-duper anymore?)**

**I've been drawing Death Note crack. It's very…uh…interesting. And colorful. **

'**Till next chapter…**

**-blake-****黒川****-black river-**


	13. XIII

**How To Torture Mello 13. Or something.**

**I am SO very sorry for the insanely long hiatus. I have an excuse- my laptop that I usually write my stories on crashed, and now I'm reduced to typing on our big PC…which currently is broken. I'm writing _this_ on my dad's company laptop, so forgive me if I don't get many more chapters in for a while.**

**Now where was I?**

--

The next morning began with a bang.

Literally.

Roger ran out in his dressing gown and slippers to the garage. "WHAT WAS THAT?!" he screamed wildly.

No one answered, because no one was there.

He opened the garage door and nearly choked from the smoke. As soon as he could breathe again, Roger looked inside…and caught sight of a bar of chocolate on the floor.

Roger's eye began to twitch.

--

"Wow, did you _hear_ that?" asked Matt as he plunked his pillows onto his newly made bed.

"Yeah," replied Mello with a smirk. "Great idea, huh?"

"_I'd _have never thought of it…"

The blonde reached for his comb and began running it through his hair as he mused, "Well…Raito needs to be tortured some more…Near can help us, I guess…hair tonic? Nah…"

There was a sudden BANG as the door flew open.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" screamed Mello as he dove over his bed to huddle behind Matt.

The sight that greeted them from the open door was not a happy one.

--

Raito got up, yawned luxuriously, and muffled his face in his pillow for a few seconds as his brain revved up. "Goooood morning, Misa," he said, standing up and walking over to the closet.

"Morning, Raito!! DID YOU HAVE A GOOD SLEEEEEP?!"

"…yes…"

"WONDERFULISCIOUS!!"

L came in quietly, nodding to Raito and Misa. "Did either of you hear a bang this morning?" he asked, sitting down carefully on the nearest couch.

"…No, not really."

"No, but last night I had a dream that a rhinoceros with wings ate all of my Pocky! I was so sad!"

"That's nice, Misa." replied L, inwardly cringing.

--

Roger stared at the two quivering teenagers in front of him. "YOU ARE GOING TO RECEIVE THE BEATING OF A LIFETIME, WRETCHED CHILDREN!!"

Mello and Matt exchanged glances before screaming shriller than Lost could ever hope to.

As Roger huddled down on the floor holding his ears, they leapt over him and ran out of the room faster than either of them deemed possible.

The chase was ON.

--

Near was about to go to breakfast when Mello, then Matt, ran by shrieking. They nearly knocked the sheep over, and he'd just managed to regain his balance when an insane fire-breathing Roger ran past bellowing like a mating hippopotamus.

Near was toppled over like a ninepin.

He cast a dirty look at Roger's retreating back before picking himself up and toddling over to the cafeteria.

--

Raito and L had finally gotten rid of Misa, telling her to "go down and keep the orphans busy." They had retreated back to L's rooms, and were about to engage in a very nosebleed-inducing makeout session when an enraged rhinoceros (oops, that's Roger) ran in bellowing and making a great deal of awful noise.

"…"

"ROOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!"

They stared at him for a few minutes, as he screamed and foamed at the mouth and did a strange "Rawr" dance that made L giggle.

Finally he calmed down a little, enough to cough out the words "Mello" and "Fireworks".

L's face went from giggly to dead serious in about two seconds. "…"

And in the next second, he was running down the stairs and joining the chase. Raito watched after him with a kind of glazed grin on his face before following after at breakneck speed.

--

Mello and Matt ran for their lives.

Across the dining table, across the soccer fields outside, through the girls' bathroom, and into a broom closet they ran, and finally stopped, panting. "Good GRACIOUS," wheezed Matt, taking off his goggles and fanning himself frantically. "I guess they found out it was us…"

"NO DUH, baka."

A sudden hush fell over them, as they heard L's voice yelling, "THAT-A-WAAAAAAAAAY!" followed by a rush of pattering footsteps.

They looked at eachother.

"Y'know, how in action movies when the hero's about to die?" asked Mello in a whisper.

"Yeah?" replied Matt.

"He kisses the girl." And with that Mello leaned in and began a makeout session with Matt.

They were still kissing as Raito opened the door with a flourish.

"They're in he- EEEEEW," he yelled triumphantly, his face going from evil-Kira-triumph to oh-my-god-two-boys-are-kissing-in-the-closet.

Matt and Mello looked up. "Hi there."

"…Have you two been taking lessons from L?"

"No, why?"

"It just looks…uh…no reason…"

"Right." And with that Mello and Matt quickly slipped out the door between Raito's legs.

"No, really- HEY! I CAUGHT YOU! YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY!!"

--

Near was busy making a dice tower when Matt and Mello ran in, quietly gestured to the sheep that he was to keep quiet, and hid under a sofa.

Ten seconds later, L ran in. "Hello, Near," he said, panting. "Did you see Matt or Mello run by?"

"…No, only Bask and Indigo."

"Alright then. You don't mind if I sit and watch you for a minute? I'm pooped."

"Go ahead," Near replied, and turned his attention back to his dice castle, inwardly counting down. _Five…four…three…two…one._

There was another huge BOOM, a crackling of plaster, and in the resulting dust, Mello, Matt, and Near fled out of the playroom and into the older wing of Wammy's.

"Good show, Near!" whispered Matt as they ran.

--

Roger heard the boom and ran as fast as his old legs could carry him down to the playroom, where he found a shellshocked L and a ruined dice castle.

"L?" he asked, scared that the scruffy detective was scarred for life.

"WHERE. ARE. THOSE. KIDS?!" L yelled, jumping to his feet and somehow reminding Roger of Beyond Birthday.

So much so that Roger half-expected L to reach into his pocket and take out a jar of jam.

Raito ran in screaming and yelling like some sort of dervish, and wouldn't stop until Roger hit him stoutly on the head with his cane. "Where do we go now?" he asked, rubbing his head.

"The older building." L replied, and they ran off.

--

"Oh, CRAPBISCUITS."

The lights in the old wing had just gone out, leaving Matt, Mello, and Near in complete darkness.

"…"

"Near?"

"Yes?"

"Where are you?"

"Right here."

Poke poke poke.

"OHH kay."

"…!!"

"WHAT?!"

"EW, Matt!!"

"Near?!"

"Matt?!"

"WHAT DID YOU DO, MATT?!"

"…I…kissed him…"

Slap.

"HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME!!"

Slap.

"Okay! Okay! Near, I'm sorry!"

"You'd better be."

"…"

"…perv."

--

The end of the day found the trio sound asleep in B's old room, still running from the triple threat of L, Roger, and Raito/Kira.

--

L and Raito were curled up together on the floor. Roger regarded them with a strange look on his face, then walked over to the nearest couch and fell dead asleep.

--

**I'M SORRY FOR THE SHORT CHAPTER!!1**

**SO SORRYYYYYYYY!!**

**.**

**I am a horrible authoress…keeping you on your toes for so long and then giving you this short piece of crap. Don't worry, though…more will be written as soon as our computer is fixed, or sooner if I can kidnap this laptop…or maybe write at school. Hmm…**

**Anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed and got us to 201 reviews. I am AMAZED, peeps. **

**Happy whatever day. I hope y'all are likin' the new school year…(I am…sophomore year **_**is**_** the easiest, they say)…and having a ton of fun 'n' stuff.**

**Reviews make me smile.**

**-blake mckenzie-kurokawa-**


	14. XIV

How To Torture Mello 14

**How To Torture Mello 14.**

**So…since the Internet's down right now, I'm just going to write this as an excuse for being on the computer. Yaaaay. Thanks for your reviews, everyone- they made me squiggle in glee. **

…**whatever that means.**

**So, anyway, in this chapter they WILL finally stop running, and things WILL happen. **

**ON WITH IT!**

--

The next morning, Mello woke up Matt and Near quietly. "Let's get out of here," he whispered, and the three of them scooted out of B's room and began to tiptoe over to the main building of Wammy's House.

--

Roger woke up angry.

This in itself wasn't really amazing, seeing as Roger was usually angry, but he stood up and was ready to rant at the wall. He kicked Raito and nudged L awake, and began pacing.

"OW," said Raito, rubbing his head and unfolding himself. L yawned cutely. "Are we going to go chase after those brats again?"

The face Roger turned to him would blind Medusa.

And so a very shellshocked Raito, L, and Roger ran over to the old wing, screaming and yelling and generally scaring small children.

--

Mello and Matt and Near (whew, that's a mouthful)flat out ran towards the newer wing…and rounded a corner…and smacked STRAIGHT INTO Roger and his cronies.

"CRAAAPBISCUITS!" yelled Mello, frantically backtracking, but it was too late. Raito saw an opportunity and tackled the poor blonde to the floor.

"NOOOOOOO!!"

--

The next three hours were the worst three hours of Mello, Matt, and Near's lives. Roger took great pride in the "integrity" of his lectures, and this one sure was…um…integrated.

He yelled for a few minutes, then settled down and went through every single one of his lectures.

The three were released after he finally forgot the next few lectures he was going to go on about, and they ran faster than they deemed possible out of his room.

They had to get revenge.

--

"So, Mello, what're we going to do?" asked Matt, flopped on his bed and tap-tap-tapping his Gameboy.

Near was busy watching Matt's fingers fly, moving Kirby across the screen. "Um…" thought Mello, standing in the middle of the room in "deep" thought. "Huh. I'm out of ideas. Let's play Wii."

"NO."

Matt and Mello both swiveled their heads to stare at Near, who was radiating anger. "There is no FRIGGIN' way," the sheep continued, "that I am going to sit here and watch Roger get away with this!"

"…" Mello and Matt shared a glance. "Have we somehow injured your brain and made you sane again?"

"What?"

"…"

"So…I have an idea."

--

Roger got up, made his first round of the day, went to the basement and started running on the treadmill. (AN: Why? Because he can, that's why. TT.)

And Mello, Matt, and Near began to move.

--

"Daaaa, dadadadadada! Da, daadadadaaaaaaaa…dadadada…" sang Roger, as he climbed up the stairs from the basement, decked out in his workout attire- a Day-Glo spandex jumpsuit that could blind the young from thirty feet away and could be seen from helicopters.

He turned a corner and checked inside Bask and Detrius' room, and satisfied with the non-destruction, carried on to his study.

There was a click inside the innocent-looking room as Matt pushed the button on his walkie-talkie. "This is GoggleBoy to Sheepman. Come in, Sheepman."

"This is Sheepman to Goggleboy. What's up?" came Near's voice, crackly with static.

"The Warden is in position. I repeat, the Warden is in position."

"…This is…Chocolatelad…to Goggleboy. Awesome. Can I change my nickname?"

"No."

--

Roger stripped out of his jumpsuit and changed into his "Orphan Wrangling" gear. He sighed, muttering to himself…

And tripped over a tripwire stretched over the bathroom doorway. "What the-?!" he asked thin air, confused.

There DEFINITELY hadn't been a tripwire there when he'd went into the bathroom. Which meant that some meddling child had probably put it there in the thirty seconds it took for him to get dressed.

Roger's mind churned, but only came up with the thought of pomegranate icecream. So he decided to leave whatever had rigged that tripwire alone, and walked out of the room.

He was greeted by an apple pie to the crotch. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh…" he sighed/mumbled, falling over onto the floor.

Watari walked in. "Roger? Where are you?"

"Mmmasdbasdlja…."Roger mumbled, trying not to pass out.

"…What happened here?"

As soon as he could recover his powers of speech, Roger explained to Watari the evil pie attack. "I think it's one of the orphans," he muttered, standing up and walking over to his desk.

"Wai-," Watari started, but Roger had already sat down.

PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT.

"Damn whoopee cushions."

--

Near peeped through one of the slats on Roger's closet door just in time to see his apple pie chute work fantastically. He held back a giggle as Roger's face turned slightly green. "This is Sheepman to Chocolatelad. The apple pie has been released. I repeat, the apple pie has been released."

"YOSH." came Mello's voice from the speaker. "Alright, I'm getting in position."

--

Mello was in the small loft above Roger's desk, filling a thin plastic bag with water balloons.

He counted into his walkie-talkie. "Five…four…three…two……one!" And with that, he let one of the bag's handles go.

Sixteen water balloons tumbled into the ether.

--

KATA-SPLOOOOOOOOOSH.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHH!!"

--

Mello had doubled over laughing in the loft, Near had stuck a sock in his mouth to keep from guffawing too hard, and Matt nearly puked from the insanity of the moment.

And Roger heard a small giggle coming from directly above his wet, sodden self.

His eye began to twitch.

--

"RUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!" yelled Mello, suddenly pursued by an angry hippo/rhinoceros/yak-like Roger, who was practically foaming at the mouth.

Near stuck his unfortunate little head out and almost was decapitated by Mello's foot. Roger saw the sheep and roared, which scared Near out of his mind and made him run. And I don't mean namby-pamby small-child running. I mean life-depending-on-it running. These kids could have gone to the Olympics.

A wink passed from Mello to Near, who had no idea why Mello was winking. He decided to follow the blonde anyway, as they ran up the stairs to L's room and dove into the bed.

Roger burst the door open a few seconds later. "WHERE ARE THOSE KIDS?!

And L turned around.

Roger blushed (a very ugly sight) and looked away. L's face was covered in little pink kissmarks, his hair was messed up more than usual, and his shirt was nearly ripped off of his frame.

"Uh, Roger?" he said, smoothing his hair down. "This isn't a very good time."

And so Roger was forced to back out of the room, looking away from the disheveled detective at all times.

L shut the door and went back into the living room "Let's take over from where we left off…" he said as he shut the door behind him.

Mello and Near poked their heads out of the bed. "Coast clear?" asked Mello, tentatively wiggling his foot out of its cocoon.

"I…I think so," replied the sheep.

--

They broke cover quickly and ran back to Near's room, where they found Matt chewing on a bag of potato chips.

"…What are you doing?" asked Mello, confused.

"Eatin' mah chippies." replied the gamer through a mouthful of chip.

Mello pushed him off of the bed and sat in his former spot. "Alrighties. I think we're safe for now, Roger's too busy doing Roger stuff to look for us now."

"Mm, that seems right," answered Near, getting out his Optimus Prime action figure. "What should we do?"

"…"

"How about karaoke night?"

--

**THE CHAPTER IS OVER!**

**-falls over exhausted-**

**You would not believe how insanely long this chapter took to write. I'm sorry for the insanely long lag between chapters, but at least I finally got this one done.**

**Next chapter (the last one, incidentally) will be much longer and more amazing, and the final fate of the book that started it all will be revealed. WOO!**

**-cue applause-**

**Thanks everyone for your innecessant reviewing and generally helping me write this fic. More will be coming up! Look for my new fics in a month or so, I have to get ideas.**

**Also please check out my dA account, if you have one tell me and I'll watch ya or friend ya. **

**Hugs, Pocky, and toast,**

**Blake mckenzie/kurokawa**


	15. XV

_**Alright guys, I am extremely sorry for the hiatus, but I figured it's about time I finish this story. Thank you all for the reviews/favourites/author alerts; it's very kind of you. I think this may be the last thing I'm going to submit here- if you want to see my poetry and maybe other fanfictions, please check out my dA, DameOfMaracas. **_

_**Forgive me if some of the events don't make sense, I'm rather rusty with Death Note. But here goes: the last chapter of How to Torture Mello. Enjoy.**_

---

The next day, Mello was woken by a dripping-wet Matt, goggles and all, yelling something to the effect of "THE NEXT SUPER SMASH BROTHERS CAME OUT!" This did not bode well for Mello's mental health, and being half-asleep and deprived of chocolate, he punched Matt off of his bed and went back to sleep.

-

So Matt, dejected, crawled/slinked back to Near's room and proceeded to whine about it. "Neeeeaaarrr!!" he whined, slamming the door behind him and sending one of the albino's many stuffed animals falling to the floor.

Near sat bolt upright in bed. _WHAT. IS. GOING. ON, _he thought, staring at Matt with wide eyes.

"Near?" repeated Matt, not quite as whiney as before. Near continued staring, making Matt more than a little uncomfortable. "Uh can you stop that please?"

"What are you doing in my room?" he finally forced through his lips, eyes still wide open, black irises shining darkly.

Matt said nothing.

Near said nothing.

This continued for at least ten minutes before Roger knocked loudly on the door and screamed "WAAKKKEE UP OR THE DAY WIILL SEIZE YOOUUUU!!!" This seemed to bring Near back to sanity, as he suddenly broke his spellbound stare and told Matt,

"Let's put pudding in Mello's shoes."

Matt was pleasantly surprised. "Man, you must be telepathic or something."

"Nah, just good deductive skills. Plus you have a huge bruise on your cheek. I figured."

"TO THE KITCHEN!" Matt yelled, grabbing the petit genius and forcibly schlepping him out of the room.

--

L was having quite a nice morning. He'd put the events of the last couple days behind him, and was much the better for it- no more thoughts about crazy extremely smart children careening around in Beyond's wing- but some things were still bothering him.

The main thing was sitting in front of him, enjoying a cappuccino.

"How can you stand to drink that without sugar?" L asked the brunette, who was happily slurping away. The brunette in question briefly withdrew from the cup and shrugged with a steamed-milk mustache before going back to his caffeinated delight.

L sighed. _I will never understand him…even after-_

There was a loud crash followed by an enraged yell from downstairs.

L's eye began to twitch.

--

"OH MY GAWD MATT, I AM GOING TO KILL YOUUUUU!" screamed Mello, hair flying behind him as he speeded down the corridor, leaving a trail of pudding as he went. _Those bastards!_ he thought, angrily kicking off a shoe as he ran. _I was defenseless! Asleep! And they went and put PUDDING in my SHOES! VANILLA PUDDING!_

The mere thought of this horror enraged him even more, until he was practically flying down the hallway screaming bloody murder.

Then he saw Matt running across the common room, and the last little thread holding Mello's sanity broke. He roared (not unlike a lion, to be honest) and lunged for the unfortunate gamer, who squealed like a stuck pig and wriggled like mad.

They paused for a second.

And registered what position they were in- Mello was pinning Matt down, holding his arms to the floor and sitting on his stomach.

He turned a bright red, as did the gamer below him, and both began to sputter little excuses-

"uh uh sorry uh uh"

"erm uh it's not your fault, um"

-until Mello's brain finally kicked in and he shot off of Matt and ran straight out the double doors behind him.

Matt looked after him in a bit of a daze. _Hot._

---

It was lunchtime when Near decided it might be safe to venture out of his hidey-hole. He'd been hiding in a broom closet for almost two hours, afraid of facing one very angry Mello.

He got up and opened the door carefully, checking both ways before gingerly tiptoeing out. He went equally slowly to the dining room, joined the queue, and was about to relax a little when he heard a very familiar voice behind him.

"Hi Near."

Near's shoulders shot up to his ears. He turned around slowly and was greeted by a blast of warm chocolaty breath in his face.

"Uh, hello."

Mello regarded him oddly for a minute, then seemed to dismiss whatever he was thinking of and pointed in front of Near. "Uh, you're next."

"Right!" the albino replied, relieved. He ordered, got his tray, and found Matt sitting at one of the tables idly making little sentences out of alphabet noodles. "Hello, Matt."

"Oh hey, Near." the gamer replied, moving a rapidly disintegrating M out of the cup he had in front of him. "So. We have to get ready for the karaoke thingy, y'know."

"We're actually doing it?"

"Uh, did anyone say anything different?"

"Well no, but-"

Matt stood up. "NO BUTS. Except for Mello's."

Near stared at him for a few seconds, speechless. "Did you really-"

"Yes, yes I did. Deal with the mental scarring. Anyway, I have notified my…uh, connections…about the need for a karaoke machine. And they have delivered!"

"That's great," replied Near flatly.

"Man, you're just unexcited because you haven't seen it yet! It's awesome!"

"Matt, karaoke machines are not that exciting."

"Near, you're dead."

The albino jumped at Mello's voice, and slowly turned around to find a pudding-covered shoe dangling three inches from his nose. "And-and why would that be?" he shakily stuttered, thinking about sinking slowly into the ground.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because you put PUDDING in my SHOES?" And he lunged for Near.

Near slid under the table and popped up on the other side, then tried in vain to sprint across the room. It didn't work for a few reasons- 1: he was slower than Mello; and 2: he was wearing big woolen socks that slid wildly on the marble floor.

Mello grabbed his collar and yanked him back, making Near slide and hit Mello square in the chest. "Gah!" the blonde yelled, falling backwards onto his bum and taking Near with him.

Which proved to be a bad idea, as Near's hipbone landed right on Mello's man-bits. He let out a girlish squeal and immediately let go of Near, who got up and let Mello go into the fetal position to curse his misfortune.

Matt began to laugh.

--

L eased himself lazily down the stairs from his suite, stretched, and yawned. It had been a good day, Raito had finally realized L was into him and they'd…well, you know. He felt tingly and relaxed now, and as he turned the corner it took him a few minutes to realize what was going on.

Mello and Matt were hoisting a big electronic box of some sort into their room while Near followed after them with a bag of multicolored cables. There was a giant cardboard box outside their room as well, and L was almost afraid to ask what was inside. "Uh, boys?" he said, sticking his hedgehoggy head into their room and finding a worse mess than usual, "What's going on?"

From somewhere behind a bed Matt's voice came, muted: "Karaoke."

L blinked, confused. "But why tonight? There's nothing to celebrate."

Mello popped his head out from behind the box they'd brought in, which had turned out to be the karaoke machine minus the display. "Well why not? You can join us, L."

The detective pondered the possibilities for a moment before shrugging and replying "Alright, I suppose you can go on with it."

Two hands materialized from the mess and highfived each other. "YES."

---

By six, they'd dragged the cardboard box (which turned out to be a TV) inside their room and (with the help of the instruction manual, which Mello read in three languages) hooked everything up.

"Alright guys! Good job!" said Matt, giving the other two a thumbs up and a giant smile. They both looked at him blankly.

"Uh…popcorn?" suggested Near, and Mello nodded, then picked the other two up and carried them bodily to the kitchen.

---

When L next came down to the "dastardly duo"'s room, he found a line of orphans trying to squoosh their way into the already crowded space. L carefully edged in, just in time to catch the beginning of the next song.

Near was standing on an improvised stage made out of the cardboard box, holding a microphone up to his chin, and waiting for the TV on the opposite side of the room to start displaying lyrics.

The song was vaguely familiar to L- he seemed to remember hearing it when he was little- and he turned to see the lyrics as Near sang them, nervously twirling one finger in his hair.

He sang:

"I love myself, I want you to love me- When I go down, I want you above me;

I search myself, I want you to find me, I predict myself- I want you to remind me…"

L's face suddenly blanked as he realized what song, exactly, Near was singing.

I Touch Myself.

"HEY!" he yelled, climbing up beside Near and searching for a button to stop the music. "Guys, this is inappropriate!"

Near continued on, singing in his little husky voice "I touch myself, I want you to touch me…"

And finally L found the plug.

"H-hey!" Mello and Matt yelled simultaneously, running up through the crowd that was forming. "L!"

The detective in question turned to face the duo. "That's an inappropriate song, boys. You know that."

"Well yeah…uh, can you maybe ignore this little incident if we let you sing a song?"

L's face lit up with a light Mello and Matt had never seen. "Sure!"

---

"You change your mind, like a girl changes clothes-

yeah, you PMS like a…uh…beach- I would know

yeah you, always think, always speak cryptically

I should know that you're no gooood for meeeeeee-!"

L was pretty much dancing as he sang, and as the song moved into the chorus Raito pushed his way into the throng of orphans staring spellbound at their idol.

"'Cos you're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no, you're in then you're out, you're up and you're down…"

When L looked down into the audience staring at him and found Raito smiling brightly at him without a hint of Kira-maliciousness in his gaze, L found his analytical mind thinking _Down fifty percent._

---

After all the orphans had had their fill of singing questionably correct lyrics at the top of their lungs, L decreed that it was bedtime and delegated all the kids back to their rooms. Mello sighed, lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. Near and Matt had solemnly sworn during L's song that they wouldn't prank Mello anymore (well, for a while at least), and Mello was actually somewhat missing the prankage. _Maybe I'm a masochist or something,_ he thought, turning on his side-

-and coming face-to-face with Matt.

"Hey," the redhead started, ruffling his hair with one hand (Mello thought _I'm so close I can see his freckles!_) and kind of looking at a loss for words. He looked down at his front, then up at Mello's eyes, then back down, and then finally seemed to win a mental battle. He leaned forward and kissed Mello full on the lips, Mello's eyes flipping open and then shut.

_Thanks, Matt,_ he thought with a kind of small sigh.

---

Meanwhile, Near opened the door to his room resignedly, put on a new pair of fuzzy socks, and was about to go to sleep when he noticed a black notebook on his dresser. He pulled himself off of the bed and padded over to it, then slid the notebook off its perch and read the title to himself.

"How to Torture…Mihael Keehl…?"

His eyes grew wide as he flipped through it. _Perhaps Raito was a little bit of a genius after all, _he thought cunningly as he placed the book back onto the dresser and went to sleep.

-------

FIN

------

**Thanks everyone for the support and the overwhelming number of suggestions. I hope I didn't end it too inexplicably for you guys- again, haven't been writing fanfiction for a long while, so I'm rusty. **

**Keep writing, keep supporting, keep reviewing. I'll see you guys on dA. **

**Hearts;**

**nannerspy.**


End file.
